Thursday, December 31, 2009

The seeds will travel, and so will the tree

Of what to think of myriad times
But to sit and watch the years go by
We will speak in bliss of moments gone
Like stolen gems from a trickling pond
But what to say to an oak tree so old
Like time itself he is known
To lie beneath starts tonight
And let the world float on by

Lets be at peace in the winter night
For the world is cruel, but spare tonight
Its death at once and birth again
Of time and years and sullen days
For who knows where these path lead
For the ones who walk with barren feet
But we stand still beneath the virgin sky
And watch the years float on by

You and Me, we are like trees
Standing alone...silent and still
These roots hold us down and won't let us be
But it is in our souls to be free
In the hearts they are born
And in our patience they grow
My child, let them go... let them be...
The seeds will travel... and so will the tree.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

In my dreams

Fairies of a midsummer sky, don't hide amongst the stars
Come down for a little while...
Its time to fall asleep
Through the summer days I have walked
Only to find myself wandering through the winter fog
This yearning does not let me be as I search for the ones I love
Place me on the dew wet ground and sprinkle some fairy dust
I just want to fall asleep
Under a withering moon... let me sleep
Let the words float in my dreams
The promises they all broke... the ones I still keep
Sing to me of a land far away... one without hate or greed
And watch me drift away... into never ending sleep

As the night grows darker... I yearn to be...
Yearn to be... amongst my dreams...
The only place where I may find...
...My Everlasting Peace.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


We're songbirds baby, trapped inside a cage
Singing out to the lonely moon
Mother gave me wings, and I gave up the sky for you
Sit beside me and watch the seasons go
This is just the winter baby
We've got many more to go

The spring breeze blows through my sullen dreams
But in the mist I sing to you,
A song which only you and I know
Though the cold wind freezes my thoughts
I fight it away, I fight it all for you
We're just songbirds baby
That's all we can do

Through the seasons, like the sun we grow
And the stars will call out to us baby
That's when we shall know
Fly away and leave this cage behind
We've got our whole deaths to go
We're songbirds singing the same song baby
And the song is in our souls
... the song is in our souls

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


Once in a while, even birds turn to stone
To leave the summer sun, flying back home
Where raindrops come tumbling down
And the skies turn to gray
That's where you find, the birds lost along the way
Broken wings and broken promises, can never be sold
We're birds of prey baby, slowly turning to gold

Rivers flow through, but always return to the sea
Like humming birds floating above
Riding on the back of an autumn breeze
The nest seems so far away, oh where have they come
A pair of fragile doves, searching for their home
Watch them shimmer, in the southern glow
We're birds of prey baby, slowly turning to gold

Clouds are ...and will always be
Even when you and I are gone, the sky will still be
On the wings of hope the world floats
That's the way it's always been
Remember the soul that is you and me
It will fly, even when we are long gone
We're birds of prey baby, slowly turning to stone.


"The question is not 'who' i am.... the question is 'what' am i?

You have searched far and wide... in vain.
I am what you wanted... I am what you yearned.
I am the desire... I am the goal.
I am the strength... I am the courage.
I am the resolve... I am the result.

I'm the task... I am the doer.
I'm the force... I am the observer.
I'm the woman... I am the child.
I'm the man... I am the boy.

I'm the right and the wrong.
I'm the moral and the immoral.
I'm the pessimist and the optimist.
I'm the imaginable and the unimaginable.

I reside within the heart and the brain.
I comprise the soul and the mind.
I flow in the stream and the blood
I burn in the wood and the sun

I am love. I am hate.
I am charity. I am greed.
I am denial. I am need.
I am unrest. I am peace.

I am your words. I am the language you speak.
I am your breath. I am the air you breathe.
I am your eyes. I am the light you see.
I am your skin. I am the touch you feel.

I am in the temple you build.
I am in the Quran you read... in the Bible you preach.
I am the desert... I am the mirage....
I am the summer heat and the winter snow...
I am in the Autumn wind and the spring flow...

Find me in the leaf... find me in the stone...
Find me in the time to come... see me in the moments gone...
Search for me on the outside and you shall find...
Search for me on the inside and you shall find...

I am the beast and its rage...
I am a songbird and its cage...
I am you and your mind...
I am man and his kind...

Do you not see... what I see...
I am You... You are Me."

Monday, November 2, 2009

The one who used to speak of Love as though she had invented it...
I knew her well... and her poor confused heart... which skipped beats but always resisted...

and she always compared it to the seed buried deep beneath the earth...
and thought that is where she would spend all eternity.
I remember the night... when we danced close to one another. And I asked you to stand on my feet... while you kissed me. You were mine then... completely mine. Not touching the Earth... not part of the Sky. Mine... and Mine alone.

The DJ didn't know he it... he was playing just what both of us wanted... Or maybe he did.


You are a puzzle... that's what you are. Only knowing yourself where each piece fits. Giving clues... but never giving in.

You are a single drop of rain... that's what you are. Only knowing from where you have come. Giving life... but never giving in.

You are a single ray of light... that's what you are. Only knowing when you left the sun. Giving warmth... but never giving in.

You are unique... that's what you are.
I wish I was too.

Led Zeppelin's 'Ten Years Gone' in the air around me...
... and you are my reprise... that's what you are.

Lonely Sun

Tears of the sun...
Floating through space...
To have little children around him play...
But no one to touch...
No one to love...
To give and give and never ask...
To burn for them and never say a word...

The brightest star in the sky...
Sitting in the darkness alone...
The warmth of the world...
And none for himself...

In death

Hold on old man... hold on to the strands of time...
For your son is still far away...
Across the lands... across the seas...
His heart still beats...
Wait for him... for he his heart pulls him here...
Hold on old man... your son is on his way.

Hold on old man... the time has not come yet.
Maybe your heart can beat a bit more...
Maybe your eyes can blink a bit more...
Fragile legs still yearn to walk...
The dry and cracked lips still yearn to talk...

Hold on old man... your son is here...
Listen to his voice... feel his breath...
Touch his skin... and smile for him...
Covered in dirt... weak in his eyes...
He came for you... traveling across a thousand miles...
Etch his face in your dying soul...
He is what you leave behind...

When you feel that all has been done...
The wheels no longer need to be turned...
Then let it go...
Let the breath float away... rising through your chest...
Let go of the pain... let go of the hurt...
Don't hold back old man... the time has finally come.

He was always fond of tea.

My grandparents meant a lot to me... both my grandfather and his elder sister... my grandaunt. My grandfather was a quiet gentle man. Crippled by an accident in the prime of his life... he appeared to be a man of sorrow... accepting silence and peace due to fate rather than choice. The best memories i have of him were when i used to run up to him as a child and stand on his feet... and he would walk around with me like that. My small gentle feet on his comforting large feet. He taught me the meaning of protecting someone... of little moments stolen... to be enjoyed in the company of the ones you love. Sneaking out of the house to eat jalebi ... he was fond of sweets... and tea. The sound of him singing in the morning,

But time spares no one. It killed me to see him crawling across the cold floor in winter... his legs stuck curled... unable to stretch. His bony frame being dragged by his still strong arms... pulling the load of his useless legs. I helped him to get on the bed again... he was a heavy man. Heavy in the bone... heavy in the heart... heavy in the soul. I used to hear him cry in the night over things which were never there. My grandma... his soul mate... at his side for most of his life. But even she could only handle a man so much... he was a baby in his 80's.

One loses his senses with age. I wonder if its the degradation of the brain... or the wear and tear of time on the mind. Delirious... that's what he would become every now and then. Walking to the edge of the roof every now and then... talking about death and suicide... only to return to his bed... saying how its too dark now and he would do it tomorrow. At times he wouldn't listen to anyone... anyone except my uncle and me... his son and his grandson. Through his madness, he would focus on me every now and then and ask me how my studies were going... how old was I... and that someday i would grow up to be a fine man.

I went home after getting a call from my mum that grandpa had fallen sick and was admitted in the hospital. Its a strange feeling... knowing about the approaching death. I was at his side during his last days... spending nights in the hospital... reading through books i never thought i would read. Every now and then the nurse would allow me to go in the ICU and have a look. He had become so fragile... curled up in the bed... covered with white sheets... probes and needles and sensors covering the length of his frame. His mind... comatose. I would see him... and with the coldness of death itself, wish that he would just die.

One night, the nurse came looking for me. I couldn't hear her over the sound of my ipod pumping rock into my ears. I ran into the ICU... fearing the worse... only to see grandpa sitting up in his bed... pulling away at the sensors... not being able to understand where he was. The nurse trying desperately to control his movements, but failing to hold down those huge arms. I didn't realize till then how strong he still was. As i put my mouth to his ears and said "daddyji, hospital me ho. Woh davayi lagayi hai... usko na nikalo"... he seemed to awaken from a trance. I imagined how his blurred mind would have focused on something familiar... and held on to it. He calmed down and looked at me...smiled and whispered "chai...chai". The nurse had tried feeding him milk but he would swallow a drop... he was always fond of tea.

I think if ever i could have repaid him for my childhood... for the happy moments... it was that moment. Sitting there... spoon feeding tea to a grown man on his death bed... I felt so calm. Not his four sons... not his two daughters... not his siblings... not his wife... but me... me with him. My heart sullen... yet happy that i got a chance to do this. I put his head back down slowly and kissed him on his cheek. He was a strong man... now i understood where my strength came from. As i walked out of the hall, i called my mum to tell her and the rest of the family, that he had improved. But here is what i have learned... before death... man sits up... as if taking the world in for the last time... savouring it... asking for the things he loves the most... and when he has had enough... he goes to eternal sleep.

I returned to college the next day, only to hear that afternoon itself. Grandpa had passed away. I was the last one who had seen him alive... talked to him... fed him... comforted him. He returned to his comatose after i had left him. Somewhere deep inside i felt at peace... somewhere i felt sad... somewhere i indifferent... somewhere i felt cold. Every now and then i sit alone with the rising sun and hum his words...

"uth jaag musafir bhor bhayee... ab rain kahan jo sovat hai... jo sovat hai so khovat hai... jo jaagat hai so paavat hai." (wake up traveler, its morning. Where is the time to sleep now. He who sleeps... loses. He who awakens... gains.)

Friday, October 23, 2009

It is hard to overlook the difference between what could have been and what it actually is. It's even harder to ignore what will be for it differs from what you want it to be. As I sat there in the darkness of this moving train, I felt a little knot in my stomach... like I was falling... free falling. Even I knew why it was there, I still tried to drown it out with the sound of the train shifting tracks. It reminded me of thunder. The air rushing through the gap in the window was cold and bitter. It brought with it the coldness of the outside world hidden in the darkness of the night. I watched as people around me slept peacefully and dreamed of a world unlike mine... the feeling of being awake while they were all sleep... its was empowering. I took refuge in my little corner and focused on the feeling in my stomach... and smiled.

I knew that the one who gave it to me... had one too.


A time comes in every mans life when fate decides to put his being to the test. Of all there is that we may call moral or immoral... truth or untruth... right and wrong... Nothing remains undivided.

Man is not a creature of reason, but an animal of desire. He is fueled by a flame burning not his own, but the being of the ones around him as well. A resolve blurred by instinct shall never suffice in attaining peace... for it is not to be attained, but to be felt.

Man will drift forever through the sands of lust, driven by the mirage of love. Only the one who understands what love truly means will see past the illusion... if love itself is not the illusion. The rest will continue on... reaching out... but never reaching.

After all the rituals of life have extinguished their fires, man shall then stand facing himself. When fate comes asking, the essence of man shall be reduced to his strength to hold on to the ones he desires and to release the ones he loves.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


If only my hands were strong enough to hold you down... that even death wouldn't be able to snatch you away.

Hold you so tightly till your breath escapes your chest... leaving you limp in my arms.

What is this that does not let me release you, but causes me to kill you?


Monday, August 10, 2009

Storm Struck

I love storms... its a strange fascination that i have for them. They remind me of a rebellion... a strong voice intruding your mind... asking you... Daring you to come out. The lightening moving sporadically across the black canvas... tearing it apart as if to signify the tearing down of barriers. The thunder... oh the thunder.... it resonates with the heartbeat. It gets stronger.... louder.... turns into a roar as it nears. Like a rebellion outside your door... coming closer... closer... till it seems to be just behind that door ... ready to knock it down and drag you out to join the rebellion.

The first step is the most difficult one. Stepping out into the rain... the pouring... pelting... bullets of water... smashing against your skin. It hurts... but its sweet. As it drenches you... you seem to feel as if its making you a part of itself. Then the fear floats away... drowned in the water.

If there ever was a storm within my mind
I would sit in the darkness of the night
Let the thunder of my being
Become part of the peaceful sky

If there ever were tears in my eyes
I would sit beneath a sullen sky
Let the raindrops fall and float away
Taking the storm with them

I love storms... they bring tranquility.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Blues and the Hues

Leave it blue I told him...leave it blue. It looks better this way...just plain blue. No whites to draw the attention shapes forming in the dragons... or lions or birds. Just...pure.... blue. He said "Would you like a little black?"....i looked at him with a puzzled face and replied "why would i want to turn my perfect happy sky into a shade of black? Its not crying ...its not why make it glum?"

He was a stubborn man... and he wouldn't listen. I wonder why he asked me in the first place... if he wasn't going to do what i said. So he took a brush and added black to my blue.... bright blues with sober hues. With the gray came the white. Lightening crawling across my perfect sky...ripping it apart...cracking it... tearing away with the sound of thunder... drowning the sound of my heart breaking. It was perfect... my sky... my perfect blue sky...why did he have to go and ruin it?

There i sat feeling the blues....and then rain fell from above. One drop at a time... one solitary drop amongst the thousands... yet standing out. With every flash of lightening the falling drops glittered like diamonds. There were diamonds falling from the sky...the gray sky. They washed away the little sorrow i had... and called me into the storm. Its a strange feeling... to walk out into the storm without caring to get wet... to dance in the rain like no one is watching... to sing like no one is listening... to make a poem... the most beautiful one that you will ever make... but knowing that it will be forgotten as the storm passes.

I looked into the sky as the rain slowed down...but the lightening continued. In between the break in the cloud i saw the stars.. little white dots in the sky... the Big Dipper next to Orion's belt. Stars in a storm of falling diamonds. Every time the lightening would die out i would see the stars... and they would disappear with every flash... only to reappear in the darkness. The lightening brought the ground to life... green lush fields... the trees... the red walls... the while houses.... appearing and disappearing with the lightening. Stars... no stars... green earth... blackness... white many colors. All because of a little black.

When the storm passed away... i crept slowly into my bed... warm... dry and content. Never thought that so many colors would come from little black on a little blue. Never did i imagine a storm could be so beautiful. That's the thing about storms... they leave behind either complete chaos... or clean away all the dirt. The rain can either drench you to the bone... or wash away the tears. All this while he stood there silently... with a smile on his face... a smile of satisfaction... like he knew what he was doing when he added the black to the blue... mixed blues with the hues.

The sad part about rain is that we dream about it.... write about it... sing about it... paint about it... but don't spend enough time dancing in it.

Summer Skies

I thought and i thought about things i had never thought about
Out came griffins and dragons and little fairies
A little color was missing, so i cried and i cried
What use is this painting if its just black and white
After the tears had dried, a poem came to life
It danced and sang, just like a dandelion at dawn
I plucked it out and called it my own
Only to have it wither away, leaving me alone
Even the fireflies drifted away, leaving behind the darkness
There is no color in the night, even with the moon
The same sky twinkling now, burns in the summer noon
A little color was all i wanted, not the sun
Only if i could take back, what i had returned

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Kingdom of Silent Trees

Like willow trees we stand tall while the wind blows all around. Let some leaves dance... let the moss grow quietly. Its quiet here within the fog as the dew drops fall from the twigs. The dawn breaks the dark blanket that seemed to cover the earth, lit by fireflies twinkling all around. The sound of crickets echos beneath the canopy reminding us that the world is awake... its only us who are asleep.

When morning comes...
It brings along a curse...
Man will come and cut us down...
We shall not resist...
We shall not revolt...
For we understand the Truth...
Through the wind...
We shall return...

Sunday, July 26, 2009


This.... is not.... a figure of speech...
What... was once born... shall never be free...
In the flame that dances... the air burns...
Just like diamonds... burning into nothing...
Embers float into the night sky...
Leaving the grow old...
I waited a long... long... time...
But the dust... did not turn to gold...
And when i tried to walk away...
The sand would not let me be...
It followed me home... became my family...

If i could write a song...
It would be a hundred miles long...
But would you listen... and not walk away...
Remain where you belong?
The colors dance and change shape...
We become... what we want to make...
So see through me... as i look through you...
Disappear in the blink of an eye... and i will too...
Turn it over... inside out...
And we can start over... with what we lacked...
They're just stones ... and nothing more...
We can always comeback... comeback...

Saturday, July 25, 2009


Reverend....Reverend why do you pray?
Can your God not hear your heart beat...
Or is your God so far away?
Why does He/She need all this money...
Gold and silver, diamonds and rubies?

On your knees with folded hands
Is that what He/She intended when he created your feet
So that you may bend and never stand
And how could i forget the blood
Not your own...No...never your own
But of the innocent unknowns

Reverend...Reverend why do you pray?
Are you lost confused or just dazed?
Maybe one day you will see
That you are no different than me
There is no "your god" or "mine"
There is just Love...Of that which is divine

Differences will cease to exist...
When the deeds have all been seen and done...
Then you will see with the heart and not the eyes...
...that there was only One...
...Only One...
Hang us until we breathe no more
Slit our wrists till we bleed no more
Oh crush this flesh and bury it six feet below
But the truth shall still remain...

Look into our eyes and lie your heart out
Twist and turn the laws as you wish
Oh turn us down and turn away
But the truth shall still remain...

Gag our mouths and suffocate us
Choke us now or drown us
Oh silence these voices till none remain
But the truth shall still remain...

Never before and never again
Will you find ones like us again
You will die and wither away
But the truth shall still remain...

We are not Martyrs...
We are not Poets...
We are not Soldiers...
We are Lovers...
We shall not burn out...
We shall not burn away...
Our Love is our Truth...
And the truth shall forever remain.


Moving from one second to the next
Forever forgetting the smile that we held
Have we become so cold and bitter
Never stopping to lend a hand

Where once were peace and love
Now reside hatred and war
Where once grew lemon trees
Now lays a stone throne ruled by hypocrites

All the noise and all the sound
Drowning out the songs and laughs
Lost within a forest of bricks
Under a blue sky still young

Blue sky...
Forever watching...
Gray clouds...
Forever crying...

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Random stuff at a random time

Turmoil...turmoil...within the storm...
In the rain that pours, I still find your tears...
Never before were you so fragile...
And never again will you be so dear...
As my grandfather's clock ticks alone tonight...
The darkness becomes hard to bear...
But think again of days to come...
And the future begins to be more near...
Don't be so hasty, don't jump ahead...
For emotions are not what they appear...
Wipe the mask away forever...
And then Love will be so clear.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Raven Blues

Oh raven of the summer sky, why do you wear a shiny black coat?
To mark the death of a forgotten soul or to wander through the night alone?
While the swallows sing and the little ones chirp
You live in anger against this wicked world
For once just let them know how you feel
Sing along with the songbird if the songs are too deep
For I long to know what is it that you lack
A wanderer or a messenger, all dressed in black.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Oh... So that was love!

Is love to be felt or to be lived?

I have spent time in the darkness of my room...and in the darkness of the night sky pondering about things that i have no answers to... not that i need an answer to everything. Things that i have no explanation to. Things that i have no experience of. Sometimes i think of death... sometimes i think of life... at other times i wonder why we fight... and then i stop to think why we love?

What is love? I hate the dictionary explanation involving chemicals and brains... its not a beautiful enough explanation to a question that is so vague. A friend once said to me "I really wanna fall in love...but i don't think I'm even close. Love is so idealistic.".... to which i smiled and said "i don't think anyone in the history of mankind ever knew when they were 'close' to falling in love."

I think infatuation is idealistic. I think compromise i realistic... both of which people often mistake for love. I think love is the balance. These are not answers... these are just my opinions. Sometimes i think love is the state of overwhelming pleasure... and sometimes i think love is the state where you don't feel anything at all. The feeling of complete emptiness.... or the feeling of complete fullness. Does love encompass everything or is it devoid of everything? Is love the color that stands out...or the color that blends in?

Questions that only bring more questions... along with some rhetorical answers which appear to be attempts at avoidance rather than answers.

As i sit in the brightness of my room i ask the air around me....
Is love to be written about or left as thoughts in the mind?
Is love to be dissected and explained or to be left as the question that gives purpose?
Is love to be felt or to be lived?

... i am still waiting to find out... hopefully i won't look back one day and say " that was love."

Friday, July 3, 2009

Tonight i fear only one fear...
The fear of being forgotten...
Lost within the pages like a dead rose petal...
Fading into the wind without a trace of the essence...

Tonight i think of leaving behind footsteps in stone...
But the rain reminds me...
Even stones erode...

I will be will you...
Just like the one we don't remember now...
No story...
No glory...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Second Thoughts of Fear

What would you do if the person you hold dearest to you slowly faded away right in your arms? Would you panic... scream... beg God? What part of you does Fear drag out to the surface and interrogate so ruthlessly? I think fear is a good thing... it keeps a man honest. It teaches one more about themselves than the sugar coated love ever could. Its very coarse and rough, this fear... stripped of all pseudo promises... no false alarms... no second opinions. That feeling of numbness... the shaking of the legs... the sweat on your skin... the racing heartbeat... the flashing of thoughts in your head... that's fear...Unadulterated Fear.

I have had my encounters with fear... most of which i have forgotten. I think its the brains way of keeping itself happy... but i remember one night. It seemed to be a simple... quiet night... until my mum screamed my name out at 1 in the morning. I ran from my room to my parents... and on the floor... lay my dad... unconscious. I picked him up and carried him to the bed... my mind searching for answers. The next thing i remember...i was running around on the street at 1 in the morning looking for an auto... and i found one...somehow. We put dad inside and told the auto to take us to the hospital as fast as possible. Now that i look back, i realize that we did not go to the hospital near by... but one that was quite far. Fear can stop you from thinking sometimes.

I held my dads' hand in my own...constantly rubbing it to keep it warm... get the blood flowing. I realized that he has high blood pressure... and maybe he missed his medicine... maybe that was it. As we neared the hospital i felt that everything would be alright in a few moments...and then it happened. His hands went cold. His heart beat slowed down. His breaths became long gasps as he seemed to struggle to breathe. And then his head fell limp. I remember that feeling... when his hand went cold...I was holding it. Its unlike any other feeling... not like touching ice. Feeling the heat drain away from a human hand is terrifying... its eerie.

I had never witnessed death before... and I feared that i was about to. My hands went weak as a chill engulfed my whole body. I panicked! I started yelling at the auto to hurry up... just get us to the hospital no matter how. I DIDN'T CARE! I just wanted my dad. Frantically rubbing his hand...i tried rubbing his chest... aiming for his heart. That damn heart... it better not stop. In my moment of fear... i closed my eyes and begged God to let him live. I have never wanted anything so much as i wanted him that night. I couldn't imagine a future without him... not now... not yet. But i did one more thing which i never understood. I threw away the chain of beads around my neck in that moving auto... and i remember telling myself... "they are only beads! Just beads...and nothing more!"

Not even until this day have i ever felt so weak as i did in that moment. I don't know how long that moment was but it felt like an eternity... before we finally pulled into the hospital. I screamed for help as soon as the auto stopped... and stood back and watched as the staff came out and carried my dad on a stretcher. Within moments, the doctors had surrounded him... asking me questions about his health and his habits. And then I remember him opening his eyes while being rolled away on the stretcher... he seemed alive. He smiled at me and said "its ok now...."...and that was it. With those words blood seemed to have rushed into my arms again.

I don't know which is greater... loss... or the fear of it. When you lose something, its gone. Sometimes so fast that you don't realize it... sometimes so slow that you don't even notice it disappearing. But fear is something different. Its an emotion. Sometimes it comes and goes... sometimes it lingers in the air... like a fragrance... like a noose. Sometimes it surrounds your very body... chilling it to the bone. Sometimes it just strikes straight at the heart. But that's the thing about fear... when it dissipates... it takes away all traces of its existence.

I stepped outside to breathe... felt the cold breeze on my head... i didn't realize i had sweat so much. On that summer night... while standing beneath the stars... I closed my eyes and whispered the quietest 'Thank you'.

First Thoughts of Fear

They say love is the aphrodisiac of the can make you do things which you would never do. But i believe there is another emotion...a more deeper...more instinctive feeling that can throw one into more turmoil than love.....its Fear. The fear of loss...the fear of pain...the fear of loneliness...the fear of everything and anything. Fear is a feature of every creature....from a single celled the complex human...all understand the language of fear. Its rooted in the very core of every living a reflex. Even a man who knows not how to love...knows how to fear.

I remember my greatest moments of was the fear of loss. I was 17...a teenage kid in his last year of school in Sri Lanka. Dengue was on the rampage in Colombo, with hospitals overflowing with patients. My mum had been going through phases of fever...showing signs of the dreaded disease...until one day when I came back from school late in the evening. I happened to look at her arm and notice red patches...scattered all over arm. Within 30 minutes, she was in a hospital bed with doctors surrounding her... observing... needling... testing... discussing... quarreling. They gave me the assurance that this was a simple case of dengue and she would be alright in a couple of days with the treatment they were giving her. I was satisfied.

5 days had passed and my mum was not improving. Everyday after school, i would go to the hospital and spend the evening by her side...go home in the night and take care of dad. I was confused...a little lost. Why was she not getting better? And then it happened. On the 6th day when i went to visit her in the ICU...she coughed...and spat blood! My brain ran from one corner of my life to another. Blood.... spit... tuberculosis... incurable... death..... Fear! Pitch ...Black... Fear!

In the faintest voice that i had ever heard she whispered "Son, forgive me if i have ever done you wrong!'. Oh...those are not the words a 17 year old should hear from his parent. I went weak...on the edge of crying. I charged out of the ICU and DEMANDED an explanation from the doctors as to why my mother was not getting better. A emotional child can be an amusing cannot comprehend life yet it wants its secrets...and it wants them then and there! She apparently had Dengue Haemorrhoid fever...the deadliest dengue form in which the insides of a person start to dissolve and bleed. Dad tried to reassure me that spitting blood is common...nothing new...reassurance which i felt he was giving to me as his last option.

The thing with dengue is...that its a viral disease. There isn't a cure for it...but instead just a recovery phase. One cannot detect the dengue virus in the blood but instead we detect the antibodies that the body produces against the virus. My mum was showing every physical signs of dengue...except the antibodies. All reports were Negative...the doctors were perplexed...I was scared. In that fear...i did the only thing that my brain churned up.

I came home that night...and lit a candle in the temple...and promised God that i would fast the next day...just make my mum better! I "promised"....i didn't beg or make a deal...but i offered something which was hunger. No material offerings... nothing which i couldn't call my own. What else is a 17 year old supposed to do against an enemy which he has no understanding of. Faith...its a strange thing. It rises from the core of man when least expected. Fear and Faith have this amusing relationship...almost dancing the Waltz...sometimes close together...sometimes distance. Sometimes faith dwindles in the face of others fear fuels faith itself. As for me...i just lit a candle and sacrificed what i could.

On the 7th day...when i went to the hospital...there was a crowd around my mum. Doctors and nurses were gathered around the bed....i couldn't understand the looks on their faces. As i made my way to the bed...i saw my mum...she was unconscious. Fear struck again...and i was about to implode...but a hand on my shoulder took it all away. A doctor's calm voice said "She's just asleep. We detected the dengue antibodies in her blood today morning...and we've started with the treatment. Its nothing short of a miracle...but she's gonna be fine." But i knew what they all didn't. It wasn't JUST a was MY miracle. Oh i still remember that moment...i felt as light as a feather....and hugged that doctor as though he had given me something that had already been taken away. I smiled for the first time in a week.

That day, i came home and broke my fast at midnight. I had understood the true meaning of sacrifice. Its nothing like the filmy version where the person rings the bells and smashes his head on the temple gates... and blah blah blah. This is why i believe Fear is stronger than love, for it encompasses faith... sacrifice... love.... strength.... futility... madness...everything. Fear can be a catalyst....creating...or dismantling man himself. It reaches deep with its cold clutches and pulls out everything so mercilessly.

That's the thing about fear...its a punisher....its a teacher....its a reminder. Most of all....its unbiased.

Monday, June 8, 2009


Sometimes I feel as if my whole life has been one futile attempt to wake up early...only interrupted by brief moments of sheer madness scattered through my history when I managed to rise from this coffin of slumber to greet the morning sun.

Ah the morning sun...its beautiful...its peaceful...its wise. Unlike the afternoon sun which is treacherous... relentless... and shows no mercy.

Its a strange thing...this summer dawn...its makes you believe that the day is going to be perfect.
Eh Khuda...
Mujhe zara yeh to bata,
Manzil pe rakhun nazar,
Ya dekhun yeh rah.
Dil se dhoondo tujhe
Ya puchoon rooh se raasta
Badaata rahun yeh kadam
Mujhe khudayi ka vasta

Taaron ki roshni mein
Dhoonde tujhe yeh kadam,
Kahan chup gaya hai tu
Eh Khuda...
Mujhe zara yeh to bata.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

A fairytale kiss

For the mortal it began with a single touch...
While the rain came down from the heavens above...
He never believed that a kiss would bring...
The missing piece that he forever searched...

As the clouds began to dance away...
He held her face within his hands...
To the sound of thunder and the pouring rain...
Lips would touch and time would stand...

On that night beneath the stars...
She became beautiful and forever was...
He would never forget that kiss...
For he became complete like he never was...

A kiss to pierce the heart of stone...
A kiss to remember the moments gone...
A kiss for a future that is yet a dream...
A kiss for a dream that one day could be...
A kiss of angels pure and white...
A kiss that burns the soul to life...
A kiss he would forever miss...
A fairytale love...A fairytale kiss..

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


I say this right now...I say this without fear or remorse...I say this without the slightest thought about the implications...and I say this without caring about what people think...

I don't believe in Religion.

No...i am not an atheist. My faith in God is infallible... immovable, but religion is nothing but a man's way of separating and controlling. God is for the strong...religion is for the weak. God will be...for God is Eternal. Religion is man made. It was made...and will continue to be made by man with his limited knowledge. What...did God not exist when the first cell divided to make two? Where was religion when man learned to make fire? Some may call me blasphemous...some may call me "spiritual"... while others will say that I have no idea what I am talking about...but i really don't care.

You are divided from the moment you are born...based on gender....just like caste... skin color... race... nationality... economic status. Wars...invasions... crusades... all because of the differences. Everywhere I look I see a way in which man is categorized and separated from everyone else... until he stands single. They call it as being unique... I term it as being alone... and in his loneliness he forgets his own brother. The recent incident in Vienna, Austria disgusted me. It made my thinking even clearer.

But I am not that close minded. I respect every person's beliefs. I visit a temple...a gurudwara...a mosque...a church...they're all the same for me. I see no difference in any of them as i pray... taking only one name regardless of where i am. I don't think man will ever find peace as long as he continues to divide himself into pieces.


What does it mean to "Protect"? Is it the shell that covers the embryo chick...or the fierceness of a lioness for her cub? Maybe its the way we snatch our fingers away from the flame....or the way one takes the bullet for another. I never knew what this word meant until one summer evening...when I was only a child...maybe around 5 years old.

As I walked to the sweet shop to eat jalebi while holding my grandfather's finger...he unintentionally taught me the greatest lesson in life. On a narrow and busy two way street of a crowded Delhi road...we both walked slowly to our favorite hangout as the orange sun began to descend. I was walking on the side towards to the road and not the sidewalk...grandpa took hold of my hand and moved me towards the inside ...closer to the sidewalk... away from the road...and said "bacche andar ke taraf chalte hain"...and that was it. He looked straight ahead and continued to walk...even as I looked up at his fragile body and his graceful face...not paying attention to the traffic around me.

With those six simple words, he had implanted in me a thought...a feeling...a role....which would become a part of my identity. He unknowingly taught me how to protect. The older soul protecting the infant for it believes that the child has more life to see. The young life is more important than the old fragile body...which has lived through its years. What captured my mind at that moment was the look on his face...he was fearless. He didn't care if a vehicle came and hit him...all he cared for was that I would be protected...even if it meant putting his own life on the line.

I've come to do the same...keeping my younger siblings and sister on the inside while walking on the road. This feeling of being protective...of being a protector...a a man a unique strength which no other act can. This protection does not restrict...or hold...or constrain the one being actually frees them. A friend once told me when I did the same with her while walking down a road in the middle of the night...."Akash... you are very protective"...with a smile on her face. At that moment I remembered my grandpa...just like I am remembering him now.

Thank you Grandpa...I miss you.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Loving Moons

As i walked past the open doors to the balcony on the second floor, a gust of cold pleasant wind hit me. I stopped...looked out into the night sky...dumped all the thoughts from my head...and walked out under the new moon sky. As i sat on the edge with my feet dangling over the railing...a feeling of blankness came over me. Not emptiness...but one of hate...nothing. Its a very strange feeling which can shatter a man if he isn't strong enough to handle the solitude.

...but as I looked up at the new moon...i couldn't believe what i was seeing. Up in the sky...there were two moons....nested in each other. A smaller moon...within the crest of the bigger moon. No...this was no miracle...but only the blurred vision of my eyes (i didn't have my glasses on). Never had i imagined that my incompetent sight would ever show me something this beautiful. The moons seemed to be in an embrace, almost as if the bigger one was protecting the smaller inner one.The two peaks surrounding it like the arms of a guardian...or a lover....embracing...protecting...supporting.

I watched the small imaginary moon lean on its partner and thought to myself... "maybe that's what it means to be in love"....and then walked away...

Monday, May 18, 2009

These are not my words...though i wish they were! From Uzma Yousuf's Notes on Facebook...i just couldnt help but steal them!...she got them from somewhere aswell!

"Kal raat urr rahay thay
sitaray hawa key saath.

Aur mein udaas betha
apne Khuda key saath.

Ya tau qabooliat key tariqay
seekha mujhay.

Ya merey dil ko baandh dey
Apni Raza key saath:)


....'Raza' means ' happiness'. i've read these words over and over and over...yet they get more sweeter each time.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Why thou take a heart...only to break it and let it be...
What did a heart...ever do to thee?

If ever there was a creature who had been betrayed and destroyed by the soft hands of would be the Sun...for nothing burns like it does.

Of Music, Love and God - II

"Sanu ek pal chaen na aave..
Oh sanu ek pal chaen na aave...
Sajna tere bina...
Oh sajna tere bina..."

For the untrained may have felt as if they were walking into a Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan concert. It was not to be....for there sat seven men...surrounded by monitors and candles...wielding their instruments...dressed in their best...with an enchanting voice...reciting Qwwalis to the mesmerised crowd before them. Having grown up listening to Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan's qwwalis being echoed through my home in Pakistan...I had never listened to a live performance of qwwali before...i'm glad i didn't miss this chance.

I could manage to understand most of the lyrics that they sang... but the music and not the lyrics did most of the talking this time. The tabla...the harmonium...the dholak....and one man clapping to give rhythm while the three ustads led the vocals. The way they sang...the rise...the falls...the turns...the pauses. They sang in Punjabi. They sang of Love...of God...of I came to understand the meaning of "Sufism". Krishna and Khuda were there in the same place...

"Ab tu hi hai, tu hi hai ke tu...
Ab tu hi hai, tu hi hai ke tu...
Ab tu hi hai, tu hi hai ke tu...
Aur rahega bhi tu."

Sitting there listening to a form of music which is solemnly seemed to become peaceful all of a sudden. My hands ached from the clapping...but the rhythm was too enchanting to get away from. They ended the two hour performance with a breathtaking recital of the famous song...

"Dama dam mast qalandar...
Ali dam dam de andar...
Dama dam mast qalandar...
Ali da pehla number..."

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Elusive Tranquillity

Beauty in its own world is impossible to capture...too big to contain...too wild to control. But every now and then it gives us a glimpse of a world beyond the sights and sounds of our daily ruckus. I have had so many of these moments which will forever remain in my mind. If only I could take the picture in my head and turn it into a photograph to be hung on the wall...the wall would be beautiful.

It was 3 am on a cold December morning when i had got off the bus on the highway in Jalandhar, hoping to find an auto that would take me to my university. I stood there for almost an hour waiting for something to come by, but nothing except travelers speeding past in their fancy cars. Just when i had considered walking the 20kms as the best idea...a tractor lorry happened to pass by. Never before had i been so happy to see a tractor before. I stuck my hand out and God bless that man for he stopped and let me hop on. For those who have never been on a tractor...there isn't much space for passengers. I sat on the metal part covering the humongous tires underneath...clutching my the tractor crawled along slowly. It went up a flyover...and then down....up another...and down...moving ever so slowly. The sound of the monstrous engine and the rattling of the lorry behind it were the only things i could hear. My legs went numb and my ass my feet constantly knocked into the side of the rotating tire. My nose started to become wet as the cold morning air found its way through my clothes and into my skin. I could barely keep my eyes open against the chilling wind. So there i was...exhausted...cold...frozen...tired....hungry....and not to mention sleepy....and then it happened....

As we passed through a part of the road where the lights weren't working...I looked up... and it captured my eye. In the distance...beyond the trees and the grasslands...beyond the houses and the buildings...the Full Moon...low in the night sky...surrounded by the stars. Beneath it...a freight train moving quietly along on the tracks...the sound of which was drowned out by the roar of the tractor engine. But for those few moments...everything went quiet. As I watched the train move along under this magnificent moon...everything became...perfect.

There was silence. Not the one where you don't hear anything...but silence of the type where you don't feel anything. The moon looked so peaceful floating in the sky...yet so alone...yet so a mother watching over her sleeping child. The train looked so peaceful as it moved without making a sound...yet so restrained...yet so sad...since it could never move away from its tracks. The chill was was the sleep...the exhaustion...the numbness. Watching that lonely train beneath the lonely moon took away everything that I thought was ugly...and in gave me Beauty. The beauty of being lonely...the beauty of being quiet...the beauty of being alive. It was as if the strands of time had come together to form this knot where the moon...the sky...the train...the trees...the tractor...and I....were all present...prefectly. But as perfect as that union was gone. The individual identities parted ways to go on with their lives as the roar of the engine came rushing into my ears...followed by the chill of the wind and the numbness in my legs.

For those few moments, life had painted a picture so perfect, that i could not help but be at peace. For those few moments ...I had found The Elusive Tranquility.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Guardian - Arrival

Red lightening flashed in his vertical feline pupils as she sat atop the mountain peak...on the edge overlooking the forest beneath. This wasn't normal emerged from the land and rose into the night sky. The heavens were under siege...what madness was this? Thunder tore through the night sky...shaking the bark of the trees as the rain beat down upon this pure land...things were changing. The night sky had never seemed so treacherous before. Storms had come and storms had gone...but this one was different...this one had a stench about it...a canine stench.

He sat there like a sphinx observing the foliage below...his eyes fazed out to a distant realm...searching for answers. The paintings on the caves had foreseen this storm...but it was worse than he had ever imagined....he was not prepared...he had to be prepared...he must be. The thunder began to get the flashes of lightening ripped apart dark clouds...the rain exploding out from them...only to reveal traces of the moon. The And then there was was time.

The Guardian rose slowly...the drops of water dripping down from his whiskers. His head bow low...his body rose slowly...first his front paws...followed by his 14 ft arching spine...and then his hind legs. The mammoth 16 ft long muscular an anaconda...which could have coiled and strangled an elephant. He was a beast like no other. With shiny white fur that gleamed the purest of souls... he stood out in the night sky. The rain curling around his thick muscular body...dripping from his coat of pearl white seemed to cleanse if a sword was being cleansed before a battle. With pearly white sharp daggers for teeth...he could crush a skull so easily.

His ears twitched and his head snapped up towards the a bolt of light crashed from the sky and struck the ground in the distance straight ahead of him. The ground shuddered and a gust of air circled away from the place where the light had landed. It had arrived.

His spine curled he gathered his strength in the core of his heart. From the pits of his body came a roar so drowned out the thunder. A warning. Suddenly, there was a flame in his eyes...his pupils flared the brightest electric blue...his body his muscles tightened...the blue aura rising from his body...sparks bouncing from his whiskers...the hind paws digging deep into the stone...the front paws aligned...and with the swiftness of lightening... he was off. Throwing up a trail of small pebbles as his claws dug deep into the mountain stone...he leaped of the cliff....falling through the night sky.

With a thud...he landed on the soft moist ground beneath the canopy. Cats always land on their feet. A low growl...and he was tearing through the underbrush ...appearing to be a flicker of light as a powerful as a beast. The tail providing balance as he took steep turns...and jumped over trees and rocks with the elegance only a cat could possess. The ground shook beneath his massive body as it landed after each stride.

He charged in the direction of the light...with his pupils a stunning blue....his fur a glistening he sped towards his visitor. The time had arrived when the purpose of his being would be tested. Created to be purest of all souls...bestowed as The Guardian of this sacred land...the protector...his moment had finally come. For all must serve their purpose when their time comes...this was his.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Of Music, Love and God

Jab gaaye raat me ambar se chandni
Toh raahi chalna tum bhi pashchim ki aur
Jahan nadiya me jagmagate hain dipak
Baansuri ke sang Kazi...Ishq me doobe Tagore
Kahin sitar ki tarang mein magan hai Mira
Kahin Brindavan ki chaaon me naache hai Kanahiya
Subah ki kirano ke sang koi pade Gurbani
Na woh issai

Tablae ki dhunn mein khoye hue khwaab
Dhoond in plakon ke peeche soye hue raaz
Yeh surr nahi hain...hain yeh rooh ke khayal
Koi pukaare ishvar...toh koi pukare khuda
Koi dhoonde mandir...koi dhoonde dargah
Saadhu ka prabhu...Sufi ka Allah

Tu toh bas musafir hai yahan...
Hoton pe uske gun gungunata hi ja
Chalta hi ja...
Gaata hi ja...


Oh mountain, why do you stand so still?
Oh mountain...why do you stand so still?

I revel..I reveal...I dwell...I deal
Turn the stones and teach them how to feel
Over a million steps they have walked
Mine is a journey...there's is a pilgrimage
Silence is not impossible to sustain
Peace is not impossible to maintain
But faith is tested again and again.
In love...In fear...In happiness...In pain

Oh mountain why do you stand so still?
While they climb...crawl...sleep and freeze.

I touch...I feel...I breathe...I heal
If ever there was a time to speak
Scream your heart...Scream your soul
Be heard in this hour of need
15,000 died in the blink of an eye
Brothers, Sons, Fathers, Men
Some heads hung in shame, some laughing
As you stood there quietly... watching

Oh mountain why do you stand so still?
While they climb...tumble...fall and bleed.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

There are those who stare East with eyes widened...waiting for the Sun to rise so that they may come to life. They see the light falling on every object, animate and inanimate, as it changes in the light of the burning sun. They see the light, with their own two eyes.

Then there are those, who close their eyes and then 'feel' the sun rise beneath the eyelids. They observe the world with every sense, as their covered vision changes color from black to golden-red. Even they know that the sun is high...but they haven't even opened their eyes yet.

Sunday, April 12, 2009


In the darkness of the moonless sky, he moved quietly...slowly...alert. With his back arched like a little black feline, he seemed to blend into the darkness. Silent, like a predator on his hunt...he approached the fence that separated him from his goal. Through the mask he wore, his eyes scanned the length of the barbed wire fence, searching for any signs of his enemy. Slowly, he removed the clippers from his waist belt, cautious not to disturb the rings of the grenades. He reached forward, with steady hands he placed the wire between the clippers and...SNAP!

"OUCH!! What the hell was that?" came a little screech! Astonished and frightened he fell backwards and reached for his gun...the adrenaline flooding his veins...he searched left to right for his enemy. "Why did you do that? Do you have any idea how much that hurts? It's gonna take weeks for me to heal." The "me" in the words surprised him. Finding no one around...he slowly whispered "Who are you? Show yourself!" The voice replied, "You just cut me and now you're asking who I am? Are you blind?" The voice was full of mischief. His eyes widened in disbelief as he commanded, "Who are you? Come out now!!"

With the compassion of a mother and the peacefulness of a saint, the voice replied:
"Sit my child and I will tell you a tale.
Of brothers by blood, who laughed and played."

A chill went down his spine...the voice seemed to touch him somewhere...somewhere deep. Entranced by the tranquillity that had flooded his senses...he sat crossed legged on the cold, wet grass...listening patiently.

"One was strong and the other was wild
Both were young and full of life
But a child's' mind is a funny thing
You can never know the thoughts it thinks
Over some dirt began a quarrel
Soon blood was shed and so were morals
When rage had enough of its pitiful share of fun
A crack in the mirror had slowly begun
So on a map they drew a line
That side is yours...This side is mine."

He could now feel his heart the words began to sink into his mind. His breath was The voice was pleasant...soothing old forgotten wounds...taming the animal in his mind. He asked in the mellow tone of a child, "Who...who are you?"

"I am this fence, before you now
I am the mother, the children created somehow
Like a guardian I stand for nights and days
Through rain or snow...dust or haze
Keeping apart, two brother from moral wounds
I am the L.O.C. which stands before you.
Cute me not...for only you will bleed
I am blind...but the chaos I see
Return my child to the home you've left behind
And let me stand here...till the end of time."

The voice died away, as if returning to its peaceful slumber. He sat there on the grass...his eyes closed...his head slumped...his mind in a far off place. For the first time in many years, he sat peace...under a moonless sky.

Childhood Streets

Butterfly wings and paper rocks
Things that remind me of my infant past
When the world was colored blue and red
Through the streets the ice cream man had led
Chasing kites and blinking fireflies
Bleeding knees and innocent fights
A time when sand castles were homes
A garden lined with little gnomes

A chuckled laugh and a teasing smile
Takes me back through a million miles
Those streets have changed, and so have I
New faces have come as the old ones died
But I still remember the burning summer sun
When summer came and winter returned
Through the seasons the streets remained
Giving me the childhood I dream today

A child today....a child tomorrow
A child when I am drowned in sorrow
A child to be when the laughter starts
A child of today...a child of the past.


Stay still for a while
Taste the air...its saline
Breathe in the scents
Grip it tightly...feel the sand
As it slips away slowly
Remember the moments that you were lonely
A smile is your right...take it
This life is your right...make it
Through the past you have come
Oh my child...
What have you become?

Getting sweeter by the day
Drowning out the sorrows
Living today, not for tomorrow
A faint reflection of your scars
Leaves them far
Walking on and on...into the sun
Oh my child...
What have you become?

You have become...Beautiful.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Grace Potter and Joe Satriani cover Cortez the Killer

The original song is by Neil Young...but Grace Potter sings its so brilliantly...with so much emotion. To top it off, the trumpet and Joe Satriani on the guitar....the song is stuck in my head.

He came dancing across the water
With his galleons and guns
Looking for the new world
And a palace in the sun.

On the shore lay Montezuma
With his coca leaves and pearls
Through the halls he often wondered
With the secrets of the world.

And his subjects
gathered 'round him
Like the leaves around a tree
In their clothes of many colors
For the angry gods to see.

And the women all were beautiful
And the men stood
straight and strong
Oh look around
So that others could go on.

And I know she's living there
And she loves me to this day
I still can't remember when
Or how I lost my way.

He came dancing across the water
Cortez, Cortez
What a killer.

Ain't No Time - Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

An enchanting voice...a lovely song...i always close my eyes and be at peace.

Well there ain't no time to let that gun be shy baby
There ain't no time to live up to the lies baby
There ain't no time to let the well run dry baby
There's far too many things to do
Before the day is through

Well there ain't no way of pushing back the clock baby
There ain't no way to make the bad man stop baby
There ain't no time to holler out until your face turns blue
Because there's far too many things to do
Before the day is through
Well there ain't no time

Purple mountain's majesty has turned all black and blue
The shots that fired up the hill
They're headed right for you baby
There ain't not time to look me in the eye
Or ask me what i'm doing
There's far too many things to do
Before the war is through
There ain't no time

Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Last Soldier

In the trench, is where lies
Where he lies alone
Holding onto to dreams he had
But itching to let go
Thoughts race through his head
They eat him from inside
Promises of a better world
Nothing but hollow lies
Where have the flowers gone
The trees burnt alive
Bodies of his friends are laid
Scattered through the night
The mud drying on his face
It’s tearing him apart
The beast in his chest is fear
Biting at his heart

Bullets fill the moonlit sky
Coming down like hail
This cannot be his home
He must be in hell
The bullets are infinite
Like the stars in the sky
One of them is meant for him
Wanting him to die
The trench is so cold and numb
Will this be his grave
Or will he survive the sinful darkness
And live to see another day

He is just an ordinary man
Struggling to survive
Fighting for mistakes of men
Fighting for their selfish pride
Embrace the bullet in his head
He could let it find its mark
He could end this pain and suffering
And quietly slip into the dark
Or he could bite back on the fear within
And step into the light
Raise his gun to the sky
And let the bullets take flight

Except to the crying sky above
Or to the blood drenched ground below
What he did in his moment of truth
Only his soul shall ever know

Never Live Again

Take the chance, go have a shot
Give it everything that you’ve got
Stay on the edge, take a risk
This might be something you don’t wanna miss
Regrets are not for the free of heart
You'll never finish... if you never start
When facing an avalanche of failures and doubts
Never forget what life is truly about
History maybe be written by the ones who survived
But legends are of the ones who died

Stay a child inside forever
It doesn’t get worse if you can make it better
The sun may set, but it will rise
Life goes on, you must realize
Laugh a lot, but feel some pain
Because you'll never live again

A moment of Happiness

I don’t know why…but I’m happy inside
There’s a butterfly in my tummy…and a tickle in my side
I haven’t won a lottery nor have I reached the sky
But it’s just there, nothing that I have tried
No marijuana…no ganja to give me this bliss
No distant phone call…or my first kiss
It’s just a state I’m in at this very moment
A chance to smile, no need to lament
Careless and free is how I feel
No bad memories right now, no wounds left to heal

I know this bubble will pop sooner than later
But I don’t care ‘casue it doesn’t really matter
I am living in the present, that’s how I want to be
‘Casue the future is too far ahead for me to see
I might be going crazy I might be going insane
But I don’t mind staying a bit longer in this game

On The Inside

Look deep into my eyes
And I shall show you what secrets I hide
See my dreams and hopes
Take them if you want, make them yours
They shall not dwindle and fade away
In your eyes they shall find refuge
In your eyes they shall grow

Look deep into my eyes
And I shall show you what secrets I hide
Some painful memories, deceit and lies
Take them away if you can, please do try
They shall wither and fade away
Leaving only the truth behind
Leaving behind a healing mind

Take a step further, go deeper inside
And you shall find what truly lies
There is a person inside
Tying to grow, trying to decide
Lost in conflicts and dilemmas
Fighting the urge to break away
And leave everything behind
Look deep into my eyes
And you will then realize
There is a whole world on the inside
But you just see the person on the outside
...just the person on the outside

Booger War!

My senses tingle! I feel there is an fun! Taking my weapon of pinky finger! Curving it a a make it the right shape....i has to be just right! FIRE IN THE HOLE!!! and I shove it in my nose!

You little long did you think you could hide? After all, this is my territory that you are on you little sticky piece of snot! Nothing...nothing stays on my territory unless i want it to! Muhuhu huhuhu hahaha (evil laugh)

I poke....I twist....maneuvering it like a sword....delicate yet firm! I push and corner the enemy into a corner! AHA! YOU'RE TRAPPED! No place to place to hide! You're mine!! I squish it...roll it down...let it run and catch it again! Oh! The pleasure of playing with your enemy!

But when i've had my share of fun....the final strike! I pin the enemy to the ground...drag it across the battle ground....into the light....into the open sky! I hold you there...on the tip of my finger. Your shape...your sticky...disgusting form...nothing but a small round object on the tip of my finger. Oh the power! The power to control an enemy! And then...with the flick of a finger....i toss you away! So pathetic!

And then...with a sigh of satisfaction....i return to the task i was doing before i was alerted to this enemy!

Friday, March 27, 2009


An embrace so warm
So secure...protecting you from harm

If ever I could hold you tight
I would hold you through the night


When I sat down and thought of life...
there was one thing I did realize
Of stars and moons and little suns
what shines the most, is one that burns.
True to me but false to you
There's nothing left for me to prove
When all the world is no longer a stage
Nothing remains for me to lose

When the wind chooses not to blow
I hide the scars I wish not to show
Needless to say, I am not a dream
Reality is fiction, as real as it may seem
A million times I’ve let it slip
But over and over I still will try
For I believe when the poet is dead
Within his words he still survives

When the time is ripe for leaves to fall
That’s when I shall say goodbye
If you trust in me, then promise me now
That you won't hold me back
You won't ask me 'why'.


What is wrong in hating life?
What is wrong in telling a lie?
What is wrong in breaking a heart?
What is wrong in staying apart?

Haven’t you ever stolen before?
Haven’t you ever wanted more?
Haven’t you ever wanted to kill?
Haven’t you ever broken promises?

Who’s the one you will never miss?
Who’s the one you wanna kiss?
Who’s the one who loved you so?
Who’s the one you let go?

Why did you make a fist?
Why did you slit your wrist?
Why did you walk away?
Why did you start to pray?

Ask yourself one last time
Why do we separate...why do we divide?
If everyone is of the same ‘kind’
Then what is yours and what is mine?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

One Last Time

This one is special to was one of the first things i ever wrote. Even now, I remember how i felt that night.

Listen to me now
Listen as i speak tonight
Let me apologize for the mistakes
Let me say how much i love you
Forgive me for the times i hurt you
Laugh with me, at me, on me
Hold my hand and cry with me

Talk to me now
Scream at me for things i did wrong
Point out all my mistakes, one by one
Hit me where i am weak
Make me scream, so i can feel
What's it like to be in pain
What's it like to be born again

Kiss me now
Kiss these lips before they become still
Cold and blue, drained of all life
Touch my tongue with yours
Let me taste you one last time
Touch my skin and let me feel your warmth
Before these arms go limp and numb

Let it all out now
This moment will not repeat
Don't hold back in this moment of truth
Nothing you say will change the way
I look into your eyes and speak to you
The image of you in my head is immortal
Time will stop, but i will not forget
As the clock nears the dong
All that i ask of you is one last dance

Dance with me now
For these feet may not move again
Tell me you love me
Tell me you were always mine
I know i have heard it a million times
But say it one last time
Just one last time

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Raining slowly

Help her now...she's breaking
The little paper wings
The wind is tearing
Stay afloat my child
Don't let go
Open your eyes
And feel me now
The world is slowly weeping
Teardrops falling
The rain comes down so slowly
Drowning out the miseries
Soaking the soul
All the way to the memories
Drink it down
Let it become
Part of your destiny
Time moves on quietly
As the rain comes down slowly

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Aut Viam Inveniam Aut Faciam

A 100 years you gave to me
To understand what Life truly is
I wasted 25 in making myself
The rest I spent making memories
I got entangled in these strings
One called Desire...the other one Greed
One held me down, while the other one squeezed
Took the breath right out of me
Broke me into little entities

So I sit here under a moonless sky
Trying to figure out how the puzzle is
Am I the hand that completes the picture
Or am I just a forgotten piece
I am a little dazed... a little lost
But believe me when I say it all
What is done is done,
But don't turn a blind eye to what is to come
Give me a chisel and I will break this wall
I am not afraid anymore...
Not afraid to lose it all...
Not ashamed if I have to crawl...

A 100 years you gave to me
All I needed was this moment

"Aut Viam Inveniam Aut Faciam"I Will Either Find A Way Or Make One

Friday, March 13, 2009


I must be pure and true
I must remain unmoved
I must grow and divide
I must remain inside
No wishing for the gold
No thought of letting go
I must remain curled
Protected from the world

I must dream tonight
Just like every night
I must stay alive
I must put up a fight
Against the needles that kill
Against the little white pills
I must believe in this tomb
In this teenage womb

There must be something else
Must be something good
Something on the outside
No need for me to hide
Somewhere I can run
When my time comes
Far away from here...
Far away...So far away

Thursday, March 12, 2009

So many years ago

Seasons come...and seasons go
Autumn leaves dry as the new ones begin to grow
But a friend left behind in the past
Cannot be many years ago
Now I remember, that look in your eyes
The tears that flowed, when I said goodbye
Never did I think, that you would break
Over a promise... we both never made

If one day, I wander into those streets again
When we have grown old...wrinkled...numb from the pain
Maybe we can sit in the yard
Catch up on the lives we've lived apart
You can tell the stories that you've made
We can relive the childhood moments we shared
I can't promise if I will be able to stay
But I hate to say goodbye again

A friend that I left...behind in the past
I search for you still...but which of us is lost?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


I am here. Don't be afraid...i am not leaving you...
I am right here...beside you..inside you
Why is your heart filled with fear tonight?
Have I hurt you...given you a tear?
Are you afraid that I might turn my back
...walk away and never look back?

Have a little faith my dear...its not so hard to do
Have a little patience and i shall show it all to you
You are the sun that shines for me in the morning sky
I am the flower, turning to watch you go by
Slowly I will open...and show you whats inside
You will know secrets I shall hide
Have faith in me...and I will not let you fall
Hold you you stand tall

Believe what I say...Till the end of days
Me and You...Forever True

Beauty and the Beast

She twists...and turns. She spins...and twirls. The silence of the room adds to her beauty...accentuating every breath she takes. The wooden floor creaks beneath her feet... as she moves from one corner of the room to another....flowing like the water in a stream. Her body moving through the air effortlessly... i watch patiently....quietly....enchanted. She makes me want to break away the chains and join her in this trance, but I know where my ugliness lies.

This beauty and this beast could never dance together.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Bedtime Stories

Its true...its true... its true what they say
The morning now begins with the rays
But what about us...the creatures of the night
Who do not slumber, till its light
We move in the the darkness we melt
The peace of the dark...which yo have never felt

Its a lie...its a lie...its a lie what they say
That the night is where the demons lay
We are but souls...just like you
The only difference...we were created to be true
Beneath your beds...inside your cupboards
We shall sit and not be discovered

Call us when you need to be
A little feared...or a little glee
At your command... we shall come
From the darkness...into your world
And when our task here is done
Let us be...let us return

Back into the darkness...where we belong
Back into the shadows...where we came from.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The wind...the raim...the sun...shall not hold me down
Your love...your tears...your screams...shall not force me to turn around
I am strong now...I am brave...I am the essence...who shall not fade away
I am immune...I have gone cold....I am the eyes...which never grow old

There was a time...when I was lost...I was tired and afraid
But now I I I give...without caring if I will receive
I walk alone...I dream alone...I hum the song...which I wrote when you were gone
A promise I made...a blood-pact with my soul...a bond...which no one shall dissolve

I will never let anyone get close enough to hurt me...

An Immortal Mountain

One step...two steps...three steps four
The million miles begins to show...
The candle burns to give me light
As I take steps in this bitter cold night
With each tree that passes by
My courage begins to grow

The peak of Truth rests atop the mountain of fear
It may seem far...but its so near
I may fall...i may crumble...
I may cry... i may bleed...
Oh brother, lend me the courage that i need
The spark to make the darkness disappear

As I being to ascend
The flame begins to flicker
The wind is strong my brother
As i becomes stronger
Protecting the light...protecting my mind
I rise...i rise...

"Become Truth...for it is Immortal"
Of all the things i gave to you...
My mind was the most precious
I let you in...let let you in...
I let myself commit sin
This guilt i carry like a scar
I run...i hide...but never get far
This tourniquet of love tied me down
I let my self become a slave

Read my words tonight darling
For they shall burn away with the rising sun
Gone is the day when you were a queen
Forget those moments
Erase those sins
Tonight i release my scars... i release my skin
Gone is the man...who let himself commit sin.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Life's like that

Let’s be realistic here for a while
So what if the troubles are as real as the light
When the wind wasn’t blowing like you wanted it
Didn’t you then run along with the kite?
A little heartache, a little heartbreak
Covered in the smiles of the little children playing in the rain
Do you not dream when the lights go out?
Do you not open your eyes when it’s bright?
Then why be sad, why be glum
Feel all you can with those fingertips
Before these fingers start to go numb

Let’s be unrealistic here for a while
Leave the troubles and misery behind
It’s a big world out there
It’s a big world in here as well
So quit trying to be the invisible person
You don’t have to be the shoulder on which everyone cries
You don’t have to take the blame or say the lies

So what if the world is moving too fast
Your feet weren’t meant to run my darling
Your feet were meant to dance
So dance, dance, dance
Don’t think twice...because you know you can

Its your life...Live it on your terms...
....these eyes feel so heavy...warm....wet...
My fingers move slowly across the they wield the pen...
The words on the pages have become blurred...
My breath has slowed down...
The sound of "Midnight by Jimi Hendrix" playing in the background dies away.
....and i let my eyelids fall....

Somewhere deep inside my mind, a poem comes calling out...
in the soft mellow voice of my english teacher...

"the woods are lovely..dark and deep...
but i have got promises to keep.
Miles to go before i sleep...
Miles to go before i sleep."

The words pull my falling mind back on to the shore.
The sound of the guitar comes rushing into my ears...
I force my eyes open...
My fingers grip the pen tighter...
The words have chosen to glow again...

...and i continue to write...
..into the night...
...into the dark and silent night...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Remember the Courage

Do you think there exists a moment where you can just change yourself completely? Cleanse yourself ....redeem yourself...throw away all that you have become and become all that you have ever wanted? A task like this seems to be impossible...but is it so great...that its greater than your power of will?

Does our will lie in our ability to move boulders....or does it lie in our ability to move the hearts of people?
Does our strength lie in our ability to hold on tightly to the ones we love....or does it lie in our ability to let them go?
Does our resolve depend on how hard we can resit the change....or does it lie in our ability to accept it?

At the end of the day...when you sit in the dark...just you and your you feel happy about what you have become?...then why is there an urge to break lose...when there is nothing holding you down. Why then is there an urge to tell someone that you love them? Why is there a desire to fix all the wrongs that you have ever done?

Is there a moment in this darkness...when you tell yourself...."I am more than what this world sees me as. I am more than what I have become. I am more than even the change I wish to bring."

Does such a moment exist?....does it?....

Yes it does. It exists in every breath we every blink we make. All we need to use the "colossal courage" that binds our cells together. The courage that makes us close our eyes...the courage that makes us dream...the courage that makes us open our eyes again. Its the same courage that gave us our first kiss. Its the same courage that stopped our tears every time a friend left. Its the same courage that made us take our first steps. Do you remember that courage....or have you forgotten?

Remember...its never too late to change...not even when you are holding your very last breath.

We are more than what we are....we are what we believe.

Right in Two

A song called 'Right in Two'....A song by Tool...A song for all human beings! Some of the deepest lyrics i have come across in a very long time. As i listen to this brings a smile to my lips. How true it true....

Angels on the sideline,
Puzzled and amused.
Why did Father give these humans free will?
Now they're all confused.

Don't these talking monkeys know that
Eden has enough to go around?
Plenty in this holy garden, silly monkeys,
Where there's one you're bound to divide it.
Right in two.

Angels on the sideline,
Baffled and confused.
Father blessed them all with reason.
And this is what they choose.
And this is what they choose...

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey
Over pieces of the ground.
Silly monkeys give them thumbs,
They forge a blade,
And where there's one
they're bound to divide it,
Right in two.
Right in two.

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey.
Over pieces of the ground.
Silly monkeys give them thumbs.
They make a club.
And beat their brother, down.
How they survive so misguided is a mystery.
Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability
to lift an eye to heaven conscious of his fleeting time here.

Cut it all right in two
Cut it all right in two
Cut it all right in two
Cut it all right in two

Fight over the clouds, over wind, over sky
Fight over life, over blood, over prayer,
overhead and light
Fight over love, over sun,
over another, Fight...

Angels on the sideline again.
Benched along with patience and reason.
Angels on the sideline again
Wondering when this tug of war will end.

Cut it all right in two
Cut it all right in two
Cut it all right in two

Right in two...

Friday, February 13, 2009

I am a Rose

I am a seed.

I sit on the top of this pile, in this overcrowded market for farmers. Baking under the sun...frozen by the bitter wind. Being sold for a couple of rupees, along with hundreds of others just like me...I'm not worth even a single rupee. I am expendable...replaceable.

Devoid of water, I am dry as sand...lifeless. Hard on the outside...i feel indestructible on the inside. How foolish of me.

Carried across the land...not knowing where i was born...not knowing from which womb was i stolen, i am thrust into the cold earth. It feels like home...strange. Carefully placed into the dirt like a little baby...i am buried. Am i dead?

No! I am not dead! I am alive! Alive as any one of you! Alive as everyone of you!

I am strong! I am brave! I have a right to live! I shall break my prison and rise through my grave... back into the light where i belong. I shall not crumble and decay...i shall not be swallowed by worms...i shall not be forgotten.

This is my resolve. This is my destiny. I talk to myself...comfort myself...encourage myself as i rise through this cold earth...unconsciously drawn upwards...into the light. Oh Lord...give me strength to break this coffin. As i break through the surface...i feel the wind...i feel the sun...i feel alive. I spread my green leaves...and i Breathe.

I grow more each day. Higher towards the sky..towards the sun. I change...i grow leaves...i grow thorns. I resist the wind...the water...the dry heat...just to understand what i am. When the time arrives, i tear open my skin and spread my heart out to the red...beautiful...soft...heart. With each day, i grow heart grows...only to be cut away!

For you i shall give up my life. For you will abandon my self.
Don't cry for me...for i shall bring a smile on your face.
Don't reject me...for i shall bring love into your world.
I shall say what a million words could never have...
So keep me close to your heart...because that's where i belong.

I sit on top of this this overcrowded world of lovers. Shining under the sun...tickled by the breeze. Being given to a loved one...i am invaluable. I am the only one...worth giving a life for. I'm unforgettable...irreplaceable.

I am a Rose.

Happy Valentines everyone. :-)
As a child we were so strong.
Strong enough to forget the broken friendship of your childhood friend....
Strong enough to forget the death of your grandparents...
Strong enough to forget the cold limp body of your pet dog...

Change is so inevitable. It comes every moment...every every breath we every blink we make. Even words written in stone don't last. They get eroded away by the subtle the flowing the charring fire. In view of this changing life, words like "forever"..."always"...seems so absurd. Nothing ever lasts...nothing ever remains the same. We ourselves change. With every day that passes by, we see more...we hear more...we learn more...we change.

So how do we find something permanent in this impermanent life? Do we make promises for eternal bonds? Do we hold onto the ones we love till our nails bleed their flesh? Do we cry and pray to God to make everyone we love immortal?

Today, I truly understand the meaning of the phrase, "Nothing lasts forever, yet life goes on".