Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Draw with words

A find it intriguing when people boast about their reading skills...how fast they can devour a novel...or how they can pick up the various aspects of literature in the book. Reading isn't about picking out the grammar in the words...no..not at all. I ain't that fast a reader...i take my time...savor it...each word...each line. I backtrack...re-read...close my eyes and feel the lines before moving on. Reading isn't about the speed...its about the imagination. As a reader...how well can you take the book in your hands and change it into a movie playing in your head. Reading is about how you paint the sky the way the writer describes it....the shades...the clouds...the leaves on the trees...the wind...the rain. You start from a blank canvas and paint as you read. Reading is about how you create the character...from head to toe as the writer exposes each little feature. You paint it...enlarge the eyes...color the hair...add a scar...add a birthmark...and give it a name. Make a person from words...and then you make him move. The lines in the book become strings...maneuvering the person as you read on. You give him memories...give him morals...faith..hope...pain.

You give him a voice..and then you make him talk. The words in quotes flow through the lips...curling on the "v"...the tongue touching the teeth on the "l". The character is your baby...and you watch it grow...learn...react. You become capable of predicting what the next move might be. How interesting a book is does not depend only on the writer, but also on the reader. A writer does not need "big fancy" words to express his thoughts...all a writer needs are the "right" words! All the reader needs is an open mind....a blank canvas when he starts to read the first line of the book.

How good a reader you are does not depend on how vast your vocabulary is...but on how vast your imagination is. Its not about how many pages you can read...its about how good you can transform yourself from a reader...to a viewer.

Reading isn't about finishing a book in your hands. Its about watching a movie behind your eyes.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

What came first...Love or Sex?

I thought i had "love" planned out pretty nicely...."don't use the "L" word with anyone"! ...so far so good! "Love" and "Hate" are two words i don't use so carelessly...they have a bigger meaning than people generally assume. But I won't say i am a "love-less" person...I love my freedom...i love my parents and siblings....i would love my dog...if i had one...and that's about as far as i get before i start to hesitate and change the topic. But i will not hesitate even once in saying that i have no idea about the boundaries of love. what is love...how far would i go in love...what is wrong and right in love...blah blah blah! Love for me is very simple...straight forward...very platonic. I keep my heart under control...but that doesn't mean i ain't romantic. I'm romantic...in my own weird way". Some may call it cheesy...some may call it cute...others may call it old fashioned! I don't give much of a fuck...its my opinion...mine and mine alone!

I thought i had some things figured out...like you love your partner...and you stay true to them....which basically means....be monogamous. you know...the "perfect couple". I'm very much Gandhian in my thoughts...ever since i read so much into Gandhi and realized how much our way of life and thoughts matched! But as my friend would say..."you are an idealist".....This i thought before the concept of "swinging couples and open relationships" became more abundant in the papers....in the media...in the air...in my head. A concept very deeply read by testosterone run men who fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at time. Everyone wants to be Akshay Kumar from Garam Masala...shuffling so many women...but even better if all your women know...and they agree. Like Anil Kapoor in Gharwaali-Baharwaali. I always failed to understand how one could go ahead with such a practice of multiple partners....till a friend of mine asked me a question..."...do you love your partner any less if you sleep with someone else?"...to which i blurted "DUH!!"....a question which, however lingered in the back of my head of quite some time...

Where do the boundaries of love lie?...is sex the same as love...or is sex just a subset of love....or is love a subset of sex?....the questions from the mind of a 21 year old virgin. Don't worry...I'm not the desperate kind just itching to throw it away....patience is what i have...in abundance. I have no idea whatsoever about the "love and sex" dilemma... though i wonder if its my lack of sex or my lack of love that hinders my thinking. I sometimes feel that I'm putting my opinion forward without having any experience...but then again...isn't that what having an "opinion" is all about! I don't know about swinging couples...but as far as having multiple sex partners goes once you are committed or in a relationship...is just downright wrong! For me cheating...is like lying...and I....HATE...LAIRS! Someone who lies just for sense gratification...to have sex...to "enjoy life" is a weak and pathetic soul. If the momentary "Crave" for the acquaintance in front of your eyes is stronger than your "Love" for the one whom you decided to give an important place in your life.... then you are one sad soul! If you are a person of conscience....then how do you overcome this dilemma...have the cake and eat it too?

1. Don't make anyone the love of your life. Enjoy unhindered sex with whoever you want...without the slightest sense of guilt. ...at the cost of knowing what Love is! Shakespeare would want to assassinate you (i have a feeling I'm gonna be argued on for this reference to Shakespeare!)...OR...
2. Live...Life...with Love. After all...you will be having sex...so no loss here....unless you believe that having lots of sex with lots of people is fun!...which most people do...

So...what to do?....what to do??

I don't expect a simple answer....i doubt there even is one. I guess this topic is all about opinions...beliefs...and the individual. Right now...my opinion is pretty straight forward...."don't cheat...don't sleep around (not like that's happening a lot!)".....but i guess this is one of those things where your thinking changes with experience. You know...like the way you thought about alcohol...until you had your first shot of vodka...and you said to yourself..."hey..this isn't all that bad! I'm not drunk..I'm not addicted! why do people make such a big fuss"....and then u have a couple of more shots...and then you are passed out after puking on the guy/gal you were trying to impress....but then tats a different story altogether. Or maybe its like your first drag of cigarettes or weed.....unless you ended up a chain smoker....or in jail for possession! .....again...an exceptional case!

What i guess I'm trying to say is....some things change...some opinions dissolve and decay...get replaced by new ones as you move down the road of life. The way you think...your judgment of "wrong and right" evolves. As we gather knowledge, we become wiser...some become dumber...but lets not get into details. Hopefully as i grow, i will able to see the difference between Love and Sex. Hopefully i will be able to draw the line in the right place...between an insatiable physical desire and the aphrodisiac of the masses. Love and Sex may become a lot simpler once i fall in love...or get married....or lose my virginity.......not necessarily in the same order! Hopefully some questions will be answered at different stages of life....but i wonder if i want them to be answered! Will i be willing to leave my comfort zone? Will i be able to comprehend and accept what i discover?...Will my curiosity get my cat killed? Now you see why i don't like using the "L" word....but atleast...i don't plan to say "i love you" when all i am thinking is "i wanna have sex with you"! For me atleast...Love and Sex are NOT INTERCHANGEABLE!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

As my heart burns slowly...it calls out to thee...
Oh love scorned...what good are the thorns if the rose burns?
Red or Black...it still turns to ash...

Stranger at the door...

You have set me free, unhinged this mind
My vision has cleared...fear gone blind
In these clear skies, i wish to dance in the rain
I wish to run...feel the wind...and leave everything behind

Who is this drug...that puts my pain to sleep?
Are you marijuana, ganja, acid or hashish?
Who is this death...that frees my soul?
...reminds me of life. I breathe...i breathe a little more...

Oh stranger...do tell me your name...
...who are you...from which realm have you come?

Wait!.....listen...as my heart speaks out to you...
It whispers its thoughts...it whispers in beats...
It asks...."Oh stranger...could you ...could you be Love?"

A day of love

It was night when i met you...
Dawn when i loved you...
...by burning noon we were enraged...
and you left me at dusk...with the setting sun...

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Just a Coincidence?

You may think i am paranoid...you may think i am overreacting...making thoughts where none exist...but...i am just wondering! Not concluding! Not questioning! Just...wondering!

Your probably wondering what i am blabbering on about...then scroll below and read what i wrote one 16th November, 2008..."Awaiting the storm"... read it closely...and think for a second. I mentioned "its midnight again...eight more to go before it begins". i wrote this on the 16th...a few days later...they came from the sea...and landed on the shores of Mumbai where the battle raged! I know this sounds stupid...i am not claiming to be able to see the future or anything...but im creeped out here ok! Because this isnt the first time this has happened to me...

Start of the year...1st jan 2008, i had a dream. In my dream, Death came to me...or in more accurate terms...the messenger of death..."Yamraaj". this sounds really stupid...it did to me aswell at that moment. He told me its my Grandma's time. I asked him when...he replied..."2008"....i asked him "how will she go?"....to which he replied "when the time comes...you shall see"...after which i saw my family members clearing out my grandma's room. I woke up laughing at this dream! Because my grandma was one of the healthiest person in the family. At 99, she was fit..independent...and lively.

She fell sick a week later...and passed away a month later.

You still think i am nuts....then read on...

February, 2007, i was at my aunts place. My uncle had been sick for quite some time..he had a heart attack a few years back...liver failure...lung infections...and god knows wat. Doctors had given him a month at max.....he outlived the time limit by a couple of years. But tat weekend...i was at my aunts place, helping my aunt and my sister in law take care of my uncle who's condition had deteriorated all of a sudden. He was bed-ridden...and in a miserable state. I would spend the nights in his room...sleeping by the side of his bed...half asleep...half awake...my ears always attentive to my uncle's voice, in case he wanted something the middle of the night. He was in a bad condition...coughing...breathing hard...weak! One night...as i sat by his side and wrote in my journal...i wrote words which i can never forget. I wrote..."He breathes like his chest is rusted...the weakest i have ever seen him. He seems to be fighting a war....and losing. Like this is his last night...."

He passed away the next morning!

It doesn't stop here. I sleep walked and started talking about bombs and wars...before 9/11 happened! As a kid...I had a reoccurring dream in which my grandma was holding a baby. She was running...climbing coiled stairs...with a Lion chasing her. When she reached the top...she dropped the baby into my hands. I dreamed that over and over again...until one day we got a call that my aunt had given birth to a little baby girl. I didnt even know she was having a baby! And i think her sun sign is Leo aswell!

I know that this sounds stupid...absurd....crazy....a COINCIDENCE! but what can i do! i am no psychic who sees the future...neither am i a tarot reader who makes money outta telling ppl their future! All i am saying is.....THIS IS WAY TOO CREEPY FOR MY LIKING! And im pretty damn sure im not the only one out there to whom this happens to!

Sometimes i wonder if i can see death approaching. An instinct... a sixth sense?.....naaaah! Its all bullshit! But hey....this doesnt mean that i am gonna stop writing....or stop dreaming!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Mistress of Memories

...she drifts through the streets without a sound...while Life and Death play hide'n'seek in the valley of broken dreams. The wind is cold...piercing the skin like needles...but only if she cared. Her eyes are hazy...not in color...but in thought. A gaze that sees beyond time...wandering in the land of memories. She walks eastwards...ever so slowly...

...the gray sky looms above like a somber child. The sound of thunder threatens the heart...but if only she cared. The banks of the river are devoid of civilization...just like the world. As she steps in...the water rushes to eat her flesh...the bitter cold biting at her skin...but only if she cared.

...welcoming the numbness....she steps in further. As the water reaches higher...she stops for a moment...and her gaze returns to this world. She bids farewell to the land of dreams...as a placid smile drifts on her lips....then she takes the final step down...

...and disappears. The water welcomes her as its own ...embracing ...enveloping ...enchanting. The only memory remaining are the dying ripples on the surface...and even they fade away....

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Awaiting the storm

He stands on the shore, as the waves crash against the stones. It sounds like thunder…but the sky is clear. The moon is full, but the stars seems scared…they are not twinkling. He has been coming here every night…assessing the battle yet to come. His heartbeat is calm tonight…the cool breeze carries a message for him. As the tide rises to its peak, the water reaches his feet. The sand beneath his feet shifts, to acknowledge the being that stands upon it. He stares out into the sea…into the darkness. Far away, he can see thunder, but not hear it. The approaching storm is still far away.

Its midnight again, eight more to go until it begins
Another season has gone by...many have
And the circle is complete …again
Through the times I have changed, watched myself wax and wane
Gathering sea shells in a bag
Only to throw them back again
But this time it’s different…this time I shall not crumble
As the storm approaches, I sharpen my sword
As I prepare the body to shed blood
I prepare my mind to brace pain
Oh lord, be my guide… as I wait for the rising tide
On this full moon night…I prepare to set sail
I long to meet the stranger…the wind whispers his name
It tells me stories...of courage, bravery and fame
When we meet, the sea shall mix with blood and tears…yours and mine
But I shall not back down, for I leave my fear behind

If the sight of flowing blood scares you my friend,
Then let us meet where the water is black

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Listen to the rain

This is one of my favorite songs....from my favorite female artist...Amy Lee of Evanescence. I love listening to this song...with the lights off...while rain hits my window. It's just too beautiful a song...so go ahead...and listen...

Listen listen
Listen listen
Listen listen
Listen listen
Listen (listen) listen (listen)
Listen (listen) listen (listen)
Listen (listen) listen (listen)
Listen listen

Listen to each drop of rain (listen listen)
Whispering secrets in vain (listen listen)
Frantically searching for someone to hear
Their story before they hit ground
Please don't let go
Can't we stay for a while?
It's just to hard to say goodbye
Listen to the rain

Listen listen listen listen listen listen to the rain
Oo...ooh oooh ooh oo...ooh
Oo...ooh oooh oh oh

Listen (listen) listen (listen)
Listen (listen) listen

I stand alone in the storm (listen listen)
Suddenly sweet words take hold
(Listen listen)
Hurry they say for you haven't much time
Open your eyes to the love around you
You may feel you're alone
But I'm here still with you
You can do what you dream
Just remember to listen to the rain

oo...ooh oh oh oh oh
ooh ooh oh oh oooh

Friday, November 7, 2008

Reason of the mind

We all have our morals and ethics. We chose to abide by our own laws so that we may appear to be a good citizen...a good human being. But every now and then...we come across a situation where we have to chose to stand by our morals....or compromise.

It was a hot summer day...as normal as any other. I was walking around with my dad, returning from a day of checkups at the hospital. My dad has a bad knee...and it was giving him some trouble. Yet, we walked around laboriously the whole summer afternoon, shifting from one clinic to another. But as for me...i was lost in my own thoughts. My studies were not going great. 2nd year of university and i was as miserable as ever in my education! It bothered me...more so on that day then ever. As i followed my dad blindly through the streets...my mind preoccupied....cursing myself on my poor performance...trying to figure out where i went wrong from being a genius in school to digging a grave for myself in college. As these thoughts ran around in my head, i came face to face with one of the most challenging moments in my life.

I suggested to my dad that we should hire a rickshaw and make our way home now since his knee was causing him severe pain...to the point where he was limping. As I looked around, i saw two rickshaw pullers near by...one was an old man...roughly the age of my grandfather...and the other...a kid...maybe 13 years old!...and it was then that i realized i had to make a choice. I have a soft spot for the elderly...maybe because i love and have been loved by my grandparents...or more so because i respect a person who endured the test of life. Every now and then when i see the elderly in such situations, my heart always collapses. I get this overwhelming feeling of sympathy that this person should be resting peacefully at home...with his children taking care of him as he lives out his old age in peace....like my grandfather was doing at that time. Such an old person should not be on the streets toiling for food.

So there they were...in front of me. My father who was in pain....an elderly whom i would rather carry on my shoulders than to be pulled around by....and a kid who should be in school...surrounded by books and friends. He should be laughing and giggling...running around free...not toiling for a future. I had to choose! As selfish as it may seem....without hesitation, i chose to ride on the rickshaw being pulled by the kid. As i sat there, thoughts about "child labor"..."innocence lost"...."right to education"....kept on flashing through my head, like messages in an awareness commercial. Suddenly this simple ride home was becoming an psychological war.

As i sat there...behind the kid pedaling with all his might...my mind was a wreck. Did i do what was necessary or should i have done the right thing by choosing not to be pulled by any of these rickshaws....which meant making my dad stand in pain longer. Should i have chosen my morals over my father? Was this even worth thinking over? I tried desperately to calm myself...thinking of excuses as to why this situation was justifiable..."i am paying him..he gets money"..."if he doesn't do it..who will?"..."it would have been injustice to the old man if i hadn't taken the kid" ...but as hard as i tried, the excuses did not suffice. For that moment...i was lost.

After the brief period of restlessness, i sat there in complete silence...observing the kid maneuver the rickshaw through the busy streets. I looked at my dad, he was in his own world through all of this...his eyes squinting every time pain shot down his leg. I felt odd...selfish....i had succumb. But where was i wrong?...what else could have i done? Someone had to take the burden of this simpe choice...and i had chosen the kid. I imagined myself...standing on the street looking at myself ride past in a rickshaw being pulled by a little child. I had nothing but shame for myself.

Like a coward, i took refuge where every other human being does....in God. I said to myself, "This is what God must have in plan for me. My purpose. Or maybe its my good karma acting up. Every one is living according to their own karma. This kid, the old man, my father....me....all reaping what we sow. But i haven't sown anything..so why am i sitting here being able to judge this? Did i do some humanitarian project while in my mothers' womb...for which i am enjoying this lavish life?" With every answer i tried to give myself...it felt like i had put myself on trail...and there i was...screaming at myself.."Guilty! Guilty! Guilty"....... so i closed my eyes...and hid.

...and then my mind said to me... "Maybe it's not karma for what they have done...maybe it's karma for what will be. They are not all reaping Akash... maybe some are sowing. Every soul is fighting its own battle here. Some against physical pain...some against tragedy of loss...some against time itself. So don't insult them by having pity on them, instead take solace in the fact that in your education, you have a battle to fight aswell. So fight to win...not to lose"

Its funny how one's mind comes up with reason to calm the heart in moments of madness...like a mother comforting her child...sometimes with the truth....sometimes with sugar coated lies. As for me, i had returned to peace. I opened my eyes...and everything seemed...normal. The tigers seemed to have returned to thier cages. As i looked around, every person had become a soldier. Finally...i felt at peace. Peacefull...but strangely numb. It felt like I had abandonded something...traded moral for reason. At that moment....some part of me died.

But life had suddenly become clearer...like i had come out of the forest...found the path again. At that moment...some part of me woke up.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

For the kin

Some mistakes were mine...some were yours. I didn't choose to be away...i thought you understood..but I guess it was me who didn't. I doubt you will ever read this...

Oh brother, tell me what have I done wrong
What is the cause of this coldness...
The reason behind this bitterness...
We were one, we were united...in blood and pain
In loss and gain...in the sun and the rain
You were my idol...my hero, I was your kin
Nothing would break us apart...we had promised

So where did i drift off as time passed?
Or was i still while everyone else floated away?
I didn't even know...until i called out your name
You weren't there, but everything still seemed the same
Did we walk too far down our own separate ways?
Or did we just grow too old to be children again?
I was there in your moment of sadness...you in mine
Separated by these roads...now we search for time
But I believed that we would forever remain the same
How childish of me...how naive...mundane.

Oh brother tell me now...what is my Achilles heel?
Oh brother tell me now...what is my sin?
Tell me now...will you ever forgive?
...or will you forever forget?

Friday, October 31, 2008

Gone Away

Death teaches us a lot about life. It shows us how various elements that came together to form someone....disperse when their time has come. When a human being witnesses this phenomenon of disintegration....dissipation....dissolution...then life adopts a whole new meaning. Like the quote in my school's Biology book..."Nothing lives forever, but life goes on"...and so do the memories...even after you have....Gone Away.

This is one piece of writing I hold very close to my heart.

I remember the moments,
That came and went.
You cuddled me,
Made me laugh, made me cry
You sat on your rocking chair, with me in your lap,
Waiting for the jingle of icecream man

I caught toads, played with the fireflies,
Under your presence, your watchfull eye
You watched me grow, you watched me learn,
You wished me luck, that I would become someone.
Now that you are gone,
Things will be different.
But I will always feel your presence,
Up above, watching me forever

I know that you will smile,
And look down upon me,
Whisper in my dreams,
The nickname you gave me
All I can do is pass on your memories,
For the ones who haven't witnessed your glory
I wish for an everlasting smile, on your lovely face,
May you be happy, wherever be your place.

Rest Amongst Peace

Thursday, October 23, 2008


As we grow into adulthood, we seem to leave behind some part of us. A part of us that showed our weakness to the world...a part that completed us. At times it made us feel stupid....stupid yet human.

Why is it so hard to cry now?
Even when there are so many fears
Even when there are so many tears
They float in these eyes
Waiting for the time when they will break free
Held back by invisible chains
Not knowing how to show pain

Why is it so hard to cry now?
Its been so long since these lips tasted salty tears
Its like these eyes have forgotten
What it felt like to break lose
The feeling of letting it all out
The feeling of not caring about anything
Pushing it all out, one tear at a time

Can't remember when i felt like a child
Crying and crying without caring
No one to judge these swollen eyes
No one to say that I am foolish to cry
Someone always there to take the pain away
Hold my hand and show me the way
Why is it so hard to cry now?

I thought I was changing for the better
The former was weak, they all liked the latter
They told me I was getting strong
But didn't realize that something was wrong
I killed a part of me with my own hands
Uncertain of what I have now become
Flesh and bones, but a heart gone numb
Don't know if I can get it back, I don't know how
'Cause it's so hard to cry now...
So hard to cry now...

Originating Sin

Questions plague my mind on this cold night...questions of man and his actions...questions of man and his desires. Why does man commit sin? Is he compelled…or does he choose? Why don’t all men follow the same path of righteousness…wisdom and all that is good and pure? Why are some attracted by the darkness? They find acquaintance in sinister methods of living. “Evil” is what they are often called…condemned as the worshippers of the devil….hunted…burnt…executed. Are they just misunderstood…or do we fear them because their ways are antagonistic to ours...or are they breaking some unspoken universal law that forbids one from doing what is wrong? In this world of freedom of action, is every soul free to choose its own path? Is it so wrong to choose to walk in the shadows then? Is it not this ‘evil’ that gives meaning to God…just like the darkness gives meaning to the light? One is incomplete without the other…the flame cannot burn without the fuel. Evil is just… the other half of the equation.

Life cannot be a single state of movement. It must deviate…fluctuate…wander in the unknown in order to proceed ahead. Evolution is based on errors…it’s based on chance…it’s based on the pioneer that walks adrift from the rest of the crowd. Sometimes these pioneers lose their way and dissolve…while some bring a new way of life. If evolution ceases, then life becomes just a stagnant pool of DNA. So, every step that man takes to move ahead in time, there arise two parts of his character. Every action of his has two results. One which is pure and righteous…and the other… sinful and evil. These two coexist…in a constant struggle against each other. Each defined by its principles and characteristics. Often a man of one side wanders into the other in search for an answer…a solution…or just to feel complete.

Wiping out one half of the equation will only lead to unbalance. Evil cannot be removed from this world…for it is not a disease. It is a way of thinking…a way of doing things…it’s a choice, sometimes taken…sometimes forced. As long as man exists and as long as the choice exists…so shall evil. Suppose we do wipe out evil. A clean sweep…the savior descends and removes all evil from this world. The world would be cleansed…pure…white, but are we strong enough to preserve this change? I don’t think so. Man is not a perfect animal…and no two people are the same. The differences…the incompetence of one man in comparison to his brother would compel him to drift apart. He will do what he can and what he must in order to survive…regardless of it being immoral or not…regardless of it being good or evil.

As conscious objects we are aware of our place in this matrix of life. We are taught from birth the difference between wrong and right…between evil and good. The “villain” always dies…the protagonists live happily ever after. We have arrived to where we are because of our desires. The “Big Bang” happened at the desire of the universe to move from nothing to something. But in our law bound world…sometimes our desires aren’t within our reach. We then come to a fork in our path. We may choose to abandon desire and move on like we were…or we may choose to abandon our morals and break our restraints…and reach out and snatch what we desired…that which was not within our reach a moment ago. At this moment…we change. Life is a constant struggle as we fluctuate between doing nothing… doing the right thing…and committing a sin. Unfortunately, sometimes the right thing itself becomes the sin.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Rape of Mankind

Fucking bastards! Animals! Disgusting Filth! I am pissed and I ain’t gonna decorate it! I don’t think I have words which describe my feelings as I read this article in the Times of India, dated Friday October 17, 2008. “Dalit woman gangraped twice in a week”, in the bottom left of the 7th page. A 29 year old woman was raped throughout the night in a Rajasthan village by two men when she was returning from a village ‘mela’. When she complained to the police, the two men arrived at the farm she was working and raped her again…in front of her father-in-law...the second gangrape was to “teach her a lesson”! If I ever was to get hold of those men…I would teach THEM a fucking lesson. I swear to God…I don’t know what I might do, but whatever it will be…it isn’t going to be pretty. But here I sit…helpless…pouring the venom into these words. The only fitting punishment I can think of is to cut their penises off. Take away their weapon because these men definitely don’t know how to handle it. They don’t deserve to have what they cannot control. Let them feel the humiliation and pain of your dignity being snatched away...or the helplessness of watching your daughter being raped in front of your eyes…yet not being able to do nothing. These men….pathetic. A disgrace!

The “Indian Man” is a disgustingly weak creature…and he proves himself yet again! We’ve been doing this for ever. Raping …looting…plundering…using our penis as a weapon against women…and even men. We raped a school full of Muslim girls when the partition fire was raging decades ago...just to use an example in my head. I can't even list down the millions of others…regardless of religion or race. I hate…I repeat…I HATE people who cannot control their little penises! How fucking lame do you have to be to go around raping women in order to FEEL like a man. It’s more unfortunate that the status of the woman makes her matters worse. Though being a rich and educated woman would have made no difference to the culprits. It mite have even made the "prey" more desirable. WHEN WILL THIS COUNTRY WAKE UP? Emerging India? Revolutionary India? A growing economy?...BULLSHIT! We are no different than what we were hundreds of years ago…barbaric-half brained-eating-shitting-reproducing animals! This society refuses to get rid of this caste system termite that’s been eating away at the backbone of this county for centuries. The tragedy lies in the fact that the caste system isn’t an object! It’s a way of living that cannot be taken away from the people in the rural parts…for they themselves accept it…and implement it! The only way to get rid of this disease is to enforce the law…by our so called “police” that works in these rural areas! Oh, the tragedy of tragedies!

More so, I’m angrier at the parents who breed such animals…and then fail to give them a fucking sense of morality. If any progeny of mine was to ever commit this act…I would kill it rite then! I would feel disgusted to even be linked to that THING. We all have a duty towards our progeny…to protect and nurture...but a greater duty towards mankind! We were human first…and then a parent! I feel angrier at the people in that village who sheltered those men…and forced that woman to leave the village because of that incident! What was her fault? I am also angry at the damn newspaper…who printed this news in the little corner of page seven. IT SHOULD’VE BEEN ON THE FRONT FUCKING PAGE! Let this proud nation see what its illiterate youth is doing in its spare time!

But I guess the biggest tragedy lies in the fact that this is not a localized incident! How many incidents of such kind have popped up in the newspaper in the last year itself? Ranging from “woman raped”….”woman gangraped”…”woman held captive and raped”…”teenager raped”…”9 year old girl raped”…”3 year boy molested”….to the worst one…”Father keeps daughter captive in basement for 17 years, rapes her and even gives birth to progeny”. DIE YOU ASSHOLE! I feel disgusted to even think about these incidents!

"Man"…the civilized animal?…the conscious animal?…the moral animal? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO!

"Man"…The uncivilized animal…the basic-instinct-driven animal…the immoral animal…the “uncontrollable animal”! FUCK! Even animals don’t rape each another. When was the last time that The National Geographic Channel or Discovery Channel show a monkey rape another monkey??...NEVER!!! I don’t give a shit if you think this opinion of mine is sexist…or biased…and that men aren’t the only ones who commit these crimes. If you are not like these men…then I am glad for you! I shiver at the thought that this was one case that came into the light and that thousands of others don't. The people are violated and then sielenced!

And then there is that little joke..."God gave man brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one thing at at time". We are so pitiful...trying to blame it all on God and the way he made us. Its in our instinct we claim...part of our nature...we just can't control it! All these excuses...I have THREE words for this kind of thinking.... BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!

I do not know everything...and who am i to decide whom to punish and how. But i damn well hope the authorities...or someone...anyone...with the power to bring justice would do so.

Oh dear God...in this moment of anger...I comfort myself to believe that this was all your doing...and that what happened to that woman was her punishment for whatever sin she may have committed. Yet my soul aches...and from the bottom of my heart...I just wish for one thing only. If what happened was completely due to the black hearts of those men...then please oh please... hold these men responsible for their actions...and make them suffer for their doings...in whatever form you see right! Amen!

Thursday, October 16, 2008


Is this all.....that you can give to me?
Is this all.....that brings my knees to the earth...
This song....that you sing...
Takes me to a place...
Where I miss you all....
For the songs you sing...
For the hearts it breaks....
...its numb...

Can i give it all.....away to the ones I need
Can i give it all.....take what can use
This heart...will never be complete...
It aches...at the sound of empty streets...
For i miss you all....
When i have gone...
To the place where...
...its numb...

After dark.......after dark......after dark....
The sky...it turns to me...
After dark......
I wish you could see....

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The last second

Death...is probably the one phenomenon that intrigues me the most....maybe even more then life itself. So many forms, so many faces, so many ways...ONE result...Peace. At least that's what i think is at the end. Undisturbed silence. The one thing that man desires throughout his horrible and painstaking life...he get by giving up life itself. But its not the aftermath of death that draws thoughts from my head...No! Its mans' preparation to meet the inevitable that interests me.

Man is a funny creature. He never reacts to the same stimuli in the same manner....and the probability of approaching doom can be a very strong stimulus indeed. Some run for cover, in an
attempt to hide. As if death was a tall man in a black robe...playing hide and seek! Some turn to God in those last moments...trying to wash away the cumulative sins of many a years. I wonder if it even works. Its a bit odd to see these men chanting a name in their last moments...following the same principles that they ignored and violated in full consciousness. But the Gita does say, "Those who focus their mind on Me in their last breath, attain Me after death"....it sounds so easy doesn't it? Too easy!

The ones that interest me the most are the ones that shatter...weather and fade away...and the ones that come to life at the moment of death. There is nothing weaker than a devastated man begging for one more extra second of life. Pitiful...scared and pitiful. The ones that come to life...oh...these are the ones that scream "to live again before death". Like the flame flickers brightest before it blows out...these are the souls that seem to live fulfill all their desires in what insignificant time that remains. These are ones who show the real meaning of life.

I shall not be the one who decays in his white...sanitary bed...in a clean hospital...watching his heart speak slowly in pulses and waves on a flickering monitor. I shall not be the one who dies waiting for his timer to tick down. My head shall not fall limp when the stopwatch...stops. As stupid as it may sound...but i plan to live long....grow old...and then die bungee jumping...or sky diving. To feel FREE once again. Who knows what happens after death...so i might as well live that little moment completely. Like they say..."i rather burn out...than fade away".
A shitty day....a shitty day. I just found out that a friend of mine has blood cancer. The reports are in...but no one has dared to tell her yet. I wonder what will go on in her head when she does find out....i only wonder. A shitty day...a shitty day indeed. This one is for her....get well soon!

A Dream I had dreamed for so long,
Without knowing that i was dreaming
Of fairy tales and dragons and twinkling stars,
Of perfect love and movie stars
It had felt so right, it had felt so true,
I was there...and so were you
The darkness was more soothing than the light,
I slept and slept...right through the night
There was nothing else i wanted to do,
But how was i to know that i was asleep
Floating in waters...to deep for me
Woken up by a message so cold
"Be brave" they said...."Be bold"
Crashing down upon me now, word by word....sound by sound
I woke up and realized, the thoughts in my head just wouldn't materialize
What was true and what was not
You' re the only answer that I've got
So help me please to understand, this is happening all to fast
The rain is falling on me now, pouring down...its pouring down
I am awake... but a little lost
I fail to understand...have i gained everything....or have i lost?
Whatever remains of this paralyzed time
Answers are what i must find....
What i must find...

Fairytale talk

By popular demand....here it is...

raupunzel...raupunzel...let down ur hair...growing which u took so much care. Garnier and Sun silk were used a lot...hair care tips are wat u've got. so let them shine and let them hang...lets start this meeting off with a bang. But if i cant climb and meet my lass...tat sad little witch is gonna get a kick in the ass! lol

Friday, October 10, 2008

Guided by an Eternal Flame

Moving through these dark alleys
There is no light from these haunted houses
Nothing but the darkness in front of me
Behind me, surrounding me
Nothing but the sounds of my feet
Caressing these dew wet streets
They say I am possessed
Some believe I am obsessed
Peering into dark corners
Hoping to find someone like me
A fool's moon burning cold
Scarred but yet so beautiful
Playing hide and seek with the clouds
With little stars twinkling about
It's not so hard to get lost
In this abyss of forgotten gods

But I'm not out of place
Nothing in life is ever misplaced
For those who cannot see the light
It burns blindingly bright
An eternal flame guides my way
Shining from deep withing my soul
Fueled by desires so pure
It shows the path made for me
As I walk along these dew wet streets
Passing by dancing shadows
They remain untouched by the light
I move passively thorough this city
Never stopping for hunger or pity
Not taking a breath
Not leaving a tear behind
How can I claim what was never mine?
I have abandoned this material world
It's something I came to realize
Not something that I learned
How can I become a part of the light
If I am scared of the flame
If I don't know how to burn
Man will never realize what he's got
In this abyss of forgotten gods

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Times of Irrelevance?

I was disheartened to read in the TOI a few days back a poll which asked "Are Bapu's ideals irrelevant today"...to which the majority voted "YES"...and then i wondered if Truth...Peace...Non-Violence...Unity...were really irrelevant in these painful times when the world is overrun by selfish, prude and hypocrites....not to mention those who call themselves politicians and terrorists. Gandhi's ideals where not just his own...he didn't MAKE them...they have always been there. They have existed since time was born...before there was a Gandhi...and they shall exist even after the Gandhi's statues have weathered away and his name is lost within faded pages.

We as people may have changed...we as a nation may have changed...we as individuals may have changed...but have we changed so much that we have come to ignore what is universal? This world has evolved and evolution just doesn't apply to physical objects. Gandhi's notions of peace and truth are as alive as they were when he walked barefoot across this nation. Should we not preform out duty without selfish desires....should we not treat everyone equal regardless of caste, creed, religion....should we not nurture non-violence and tolerance towards each other? As an individual we may not be in a position to do something as significant as walking across to spread the word peace and non-violence...but are we so helpless that we cannot culture within ourselves these simple ideas? Are our minds so crowded with materialistic desires and hatred for our neighbour that we have no space for compassion?

I am no Gandhi or Mother Teresa...and i don't claim to be either...but i don't think i have to be in order to believe in something so simple. Some may call it my nature...others may term it as my incapability to see the world for what it truly is now. I am not trying to see the world for what a fucked up place it already is...and the way we are going about our lives...its not really getting any better. What i AM trying to see...is what this world CAN be.....its just a pity that i so often find myself as the only one to be looking in this direction.

Thursday, October 2, 2008



Singing the chants, humming the hymns
Letting yourself be proclaimed as a priest
Show the world what path to follow
Yet you do not believe what you preach
Those words are just plain words for you
The books you care for and worship
Yet you do not practice what they say
The words remain sealed behind those lips
The symbols of God have been abused
Trampled under the feet of soldiers
The crusades that you led from the front
Drawing the lines, separating with borders
You divided man on what name he gives God
Yet your religion calls Him by thousands of names
What childish intolerance do you nurture?
What to make of these petty games?
He is not yours to confine inside walls
He is not yours to lock behind doors
He is not only for the rich and giving
‘Cause we are all pitiful and poor
You scream blasphemy with anger in your eyes
To those who you loathe and despise
Have you learnt THIS from YOUR God?
Is this what you call religion?
The justification behind your killing
The reason men, women and children died
The cause for all the blood spilling
Oh I wish I could see where you will be
When you have breathed your last
What will become of your selfish pride…
When the moment of judgment will have passed

Fragile butterfly

It hurts to see when a father must bid farewell his child...being slowly taken away from his warm embrace. Disease is unbiased...Death is cruel...

Oh my little butterfly
Daddy loves you more then he ever has
Listen closely to the bedtime story tonight
Last time that I turn off the lights

Oh my little butterfly
Don't be scared of the dark
Then how will you differentiate
Between the sky and the stars

Oh my little butterfly
Hold on to your teddy tight
Spread your wings like you've never have
Towards the heaven take flight

Oh my little butterfly
Tell mommy that I love her too
It's just a matter of time
Then daddy will join both of you

Oh my little butterfly
Forgive me for making you so fragile
I swear that i will make it up
With chocolates and sparkles and little toys

Oh my little butterfly
Be brave, don't cry
Daddy's just kissing you goodnight
Daddy's not kissing you goodbye

Oh my little butterfly
Be brave...Be brave...

Albino eyes

Darkness be my guide
Take me where solitude exists
I grow weary of the burning light
For it blinds me
It tortures my eyes
The burns on my skin are fresh
They ache and ooze
Reminding me of the pain
The pain of being different

Darkness be my friend
For you give me peace
These wounds soothe in your light
These eyes see without fear
Though different we appear form one another
One has no meaning alone
No solitude for the other

Darkness....be my hope
...in the dwindling light...

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Back to the origin

...to the mother i was a child...to the father i was a child....to time...i was just another story beginning...

I love the look on peoples face when I answer their question to the place of my birth. I was born on a sunny afternoon on 11th of May in the beautiful city of Baghdad, Iraq. My parents tell me that it was a beautiful city. Back in 90’s it was peaceful and overflowing with love. I have no memories of it whatsoever. All I have is a birth certificate with my name on it…a stamp of an officer from the Indian High Commission in Baghdad and something written in Urdu at the top of the page. The piece of paper is so fragile now…I can hardly believe it survived. I don’t hesitate to say that I was born under the rule of Saddam Hussain…I think it’s quite humorous. Though the people often reply with the lame question “…but you don’t look Iraqi”…to which I can only reply…”because I am not! I am Indian!” and then I have to explain how in the world I managed to get there in the first place! It’s even worse when people say “Oh you were born in Iraq! No wonder you are so fair!” WTF?? HUH??!!?? I have never been able make the connection between the place of your birth and the way you look…and I doubt that there is even one!

My dad went there as part of the Indian High Commission in 1984. My sister and I were born there…she seems to have no memories of it either. But now when I see the news every now and then, it hurts me to see the city in tethers… being plundered by the greedy and selfish…some of them with names and some without. Every now and then my parents start talking about a world that I have not heard of. A land where people were as fair as angels, cheeks flooded with red blood, children running around bare feet on the cold streets…playing tag. They speak of rotis the size of a large pizza…and thin as paper, being made on upside down pans. The people ate a lot of meat apparently and drank a lot of milk…goats’ and camels’! They speak of “dinars”...the currency of Iraq. They describe how beautiful the mosques where and how the sound of the evening prayers filled the air. Every now and then, my dad would recite something in Urdu as well. The most memorable memory of theirs is the day they arrived there. After leaving India in the midst of a hot summer, they were shocked to land in the bitter cold of an alien nation. They had never before left their mother land. Their expressions must have been somewhere between surprise and confusion.

Now whenever I hear the name of my birth land…it’s usually followed by the words “bomb”, “terrorist” or “suicide”. It’s a pity to see such a place fall apart. It’s a strange feeling of seeing the place where you were born become a land of death. My parents tell me I was a beautiful baby. The nurses passed me around saying “Oh look! And Indian baby! An Indian baby!”…either I must have been really cute or looked like an alien! I was barely a month old before we left the country and returned to India. It was soon after that the war began and the city fell victim to chaos.

We Indians tend to be very proud of our motherland and we never forget from where we came. We all talk about remembering where our roots lie and where we “belong”...so, how does one split his loyalty? I am Indian by heart, maybe not in habits, but I take pride in being able to link myself to a land lying beyond the horizon. Somewhere deep inside me there is longing to go back to my birth place and see the city where I was born. To see what became of the hospital where I breathed my first…what became of the home where my cries echoed. Maybe the neighbors will remember my parents. Maybe an unknown stranger will say to me “oh…how much have you grown….you Indian baby!” I wouldn’t say I am incomplete without this experience…but I long to breathe in that air again before I die. Though I doubt if I will ever be able to, but hope remains nevertheless.