Gone with the flame

Sitting on the corner of his bed…the lighter feels so heavy in his hands. Clear liquid dancing in a transparent cage, not knowing it’s about to burn. He wonders…how would it feel to burn…to have your skin on fire, melting away...floating away from you…dispersing in the air with the black smoke. Would he still feel it if he was dead? On the pyre? He twirls the photograph in his hand…the image stares at him. He burns. Somewhere deep inside…he burns…without a flame…without any smoke.

He looks at the clock. It’s been ticking for the last three hours. Counting down every second…refusing to let one pass it by. He’s been sitting there, twirling the photograph in his hand…shifting between a colored image and the white back. How different they are. One burns him…the other soothes. Click! Click! Click!...and the lighter ignites in a yellow flame. Shinning light into the dark corners of the room. Its 3 am yet the sun seems to have invaded his world again. He twirls the photograph one last time. Looks at it in disgust…how can she smile like that? How can she be so happy? Can’t she see his face through the photograph? She wouldn’t be smiling if she could.

The tip touches the flame and it spreads across the photograph. It asks no questions. Takes no opinions. It just burns. Spreading in all directions…it just burns. “Betrayal! Betrayal!” his heart screams out. “Burn in Hell bitch! I hope you burn…just like this photograph.” A pain rushes up his fingers as the flame reaches the end of its victim. “Stupid shit…doesn’t even know when to stop”. The flame has no friends…no enemies. Its so pure…so neutral…so fearless. He wishes he could be like it.

The remains of the photograph lie on the floor. She’s not smiling anymore, but he is. He knows it’s over now. He can feel it. Like the world has been lifted off his back. His breath feels different now…cooler…softer. He knows there won’t be any more sleepless nights. No more staring at the ceiling…no more getting lost in random thoughts. No more association of places with memories…no more memories. He lies down and closes his eyes. No more flashing lights…no more tears. He knows it’s over.

A Part Of Me

This is for You...
Whom I shall never forget...
You know who You are...

There exists a cell in my brain in which you reside...a little memory...a past...in which you reside. That is how you have become a part of me, living with me...within me. A part of you that i believe and carry wherever i go. You are with me when i feel alone...your face dances behind my eyes...your words emerge from the depths of my mind...your voice speaks to me when i feel alone. It offers me guidance when my mind is turbulent. It comforts me when my heart is in pain. It gives me courage when the strength leaves my hands. It shows me reason when all i can see is chaos. Forgetting you is not possible. You remain etched in my skin...a scar...a mark...a painting....reminding me of the moment that you existed with me....reminding me that you shall forever remain with me...in life...in death. You may never realize...you may never understand.

Forgive me for the wrong which I may have done to you. Forgive me if i ever ignored you...if i wasn't there when you needed me. Forgive me if i ever disappointed you...let you down.

I may never get a chance to thank you. Even if i do...i doubt i shall ever have the words. Just remember, that you gifted me something that paper could never wrap.


This is for God...who has been a master...who has been a friend...guiding me through this life.
This is for my grandparents...who enveloped me with their love and care.
This is for my father...who showed me the meaning of trust and honesty.
This is for my mother...who showed me how to care.
This is for my sister...who has been saving my ass since i was a kid.
This is for my childhood friend Justin...who cried when I left. I never understood why you cried...now i do.
This is for my friend Saurabh...who saved me from becoming a "typical" person.
This is for my friend Santvana...who has always understood me, been the well of my thoughts.
This is for my friend Sahani...who made me believe in coincidences, showed my how two people from different times, different worlds can be so similar!
This if for my friend Prerna...who taught me how to "flush" my mind, when it becomes too much of a mess to solve.
This is for Neha...who was more than a friend, who inspired me to rediscover myself and be strong again. I'm sorry that i broke your heart...but its the only way i could have ever understood my own.
This is for my friend Nishan...who has been my partner in crime...in adventure...in laughter...in hard work.
This is for my friend Reema...who helped me find myself when i felt lost.

These words may never reach your eyes...but in my mind you shall forever reside....

Soldier On

In the night, you duel with your fears
In the light, you fight with your thoughts
The chaos in your head...the carnage...the mess...
Dead memories... beheaded dreams...
Wounded egos and broken beliefs...
As your mind becomes a war ground...
Just soldier on...

In this wound was your cure...
The tear...the blood...the pain...
Your swords bathes crimson...
The blood on your brow is your own...
The gash on your chest was given to you...
Let the scar be the memory of your war...
Just soldier on...

Oh guardian of peace, make them believe
That your are awake while the whole world sleeps
In reminiscence of the life that you have lived
Let this decision be yours...yours and yours alone...
Forefit your accession...shed this armor...
With your dreams in your pocket...and hope in your hands...
Just soldier on...
Just soldier on...

Erase...Replace....

With every moment that passes by, you become a memory that forever dies.
I did not give time this power to erase...the power to remove....the ability to create...
Within my head I had dreams, behind these eyes they would never sleep
But I let them dwindle in the darkness...crawl behind the curtains...

When one dream dies...the silence echoes in the night....
When one dream dies...your mind comes alive...
All I did was listen to the beats, as they danced from my heart to my mind...
With every beat that passes by...you become a dream that forever dies...

Your forever sun

Come...and light my flame...
Let me ignite, let me kindle, let me burn.
I will become the ember, the flicker, the flame
I will become the candle...melting to give you life
Drink me down like alcohol...
Pour me into the grass, under this magnifying glass
Char me black to the bones...don't ever give up...
Become the blaze...become the pyre...
Come...incinerate me... till your heart desires.


Maybe when your inferno dies out...
Then you might be able to see through the smoke
I was never the gun...I was never the spark....
I was never the gasoline...I was never the bark...
Maybe then you will realize that I can never burn...
Maybe then you will realize that I will forever burn...

I was beside you all along....
Your ever eminent sun...

Undying Love

I asked for freedom...she made a noose.
I asked for faith...she walked up the steps.
I asked for sacrifice...she held the noose in her hands.
I asked for devotion...she put the noose around her neck.
I asked for peace...she closed her eyes.
I asked for courage...she smiled.
I asked for reverence...she whispered my name...

..."All that I am is me...all that I have is me.
...All that I give...I give to thee.
I shall not cry...thy shall not remorse.
Oh Live forever...My Loved One."...

...I asked for immortality...she plunged.

An "Undying Love" was all that I had asked her for...
...She gifted me an "Everlasting Debt"...

Hidden treasures

See the world for what it is...imagine the world for what it's not.

Listen to the twinkling of the stars...they play the music of peace
Watch the howling of wolves...they gather with unity
Smell the drops in the ocean...they breed acceptance
Taste the rays of sunlight...they shower equality
Touch the strands of time...they embody patience

Oh being...the one who exists...the one who conspires...
Have faith in humanity...this imperfect humanity...
Oh being...the one who yearns...the one who learns...
Have faith in this world...this imperfect world...
Have faith in thy soul...
Have faith in thy self...

Lost in my thoughts

I just realized...that in most of what i have written...whenever i have mentioned the night sky...it has been moonless. Yes, i do I have a fascination for the moonless night...the dark and peaceful moonless night. I realized that there are a lot of things that fascinate me. I tend to drift a lot...become lost in my own little world with my colorful thoughts. It so often happens in the middle of a lecture...but a lot of other times as well. Sometimes i stare blankly at the wall...or the moving fan...and find myself in a trance. But most often then not...it happens when see something...something that catches my eye and rips me out of my body...drags me towards itself and leaves me frozen...enchanted. The feeling of going blank in your mind and senses...is oddly peaceful. Unfortunately...or fortunately...there are a lot of things that do this to me.

A flickering candle flame...the sound of thunder....flash of lightening...blue eyes...rain...oil drop on water...dew drop on a leaf...the swirl of water in a drain...the ripples on a pond...a butterfly landing on a twig...a squirrel gobbling groundnuts...rising smoke...lips... the full yellow moon...the white sun on a foggy winter afternoon...howling of the wind...kissing...heat rising from the road on a burning summer day...a drop of sweat on the tip of my nose...an orgasm...flickering of a bulb...smoothness of the scales of a snake...a falling star...wolves...black and white photographs...a dark moonless night...scanning tunneling electron micrographs of living cells zoomed millions of times...the wheel of a moving car...clouds moving across the moon...chirping of crickets...the fog...

There is so much to see...so much more to imagine...

Roadkill

I had a near death experience today. As the smart ones would've realized by now...it was only a "near"death experience...just the trailer...not the movie. One step...that's it. I was "one step" away from it all...literally! One stupid little step that i didn't take...one thankful little step that i didn't take.

I almost got myself run over by a Haryana Roadways while catching an auto. I repeat..."I almost got MYSELF killed"! No...the bus was not speeding...the driver was not drunk...it was not reckless driving...it was reckless walking. Piece of advice...."look both ways before crossing the road.....always!!" I know most of you are screaming "DUH!" rite now...but trust me...it won't be so obvious when you do it. I know i am careless about the small things...but i always tend to be careful when walking on the road. I guess today was one of those days where I took something as simple as walking for granted. "I'm 21..i know how to cross the road!!!"...yeah..bullshit! I always used to wonder how someone got run over...always thinking that it must be at the fault of the driver...but today...as the bus whizzed past my face...missing me by a couple of inches... i realized its not always the case. The driver does honk...and he honks really loudly...but some people just have earphones stuffed deep into their ears and are listening to loud rock music to not pay attention to the ton of metal moving at 80kmph....people like me! :-( I'm thankful that one of those loud honks managed to pierce the sound of drums and base pounding in my ears and made me realize. I'm thankful that this one honk...made me turn my head around and stop myself from committing "unintentional suicide". As i sat in the auto...catching which almost got me killed...i did reminiscence about the last 21 years. They say your whole life flashes in front of your eyes just before you die...i say your happiest moments do!

I thought how it would've been. Would it have been painful?..Painless? Would time have slowed down...like it does in the movies...or would it be all over in a instant. I wondered if everything would become black...white...or red. I wondered if i would have gone to heaven or hell....or no where. I wondered how my body would have flown yards away...bounced of the road and landed in pool of blood...crushed bones and flesh ... my head split wide open...like a stray dog...the roadkill i have so often witnessed while traveling. I wondered if God would call me a "jackass" when he met me...or i met him...whichever way it works. Then i wondered if i would have survived...had a miraculous recovery...and then laughed about it. The difference in the two scenarios made my knees go weak. My stomach felt hollow. My head felt heavy...and i realized...i just played Russian roulette all by myself...and survived the first shot. I may not be so lucky the next time.

Today was a day of reminders. A reminder of how a little moment of carelessness could end it all. A reminder of the one who has prepared food for you...and is eagerly watching the road... waiting for you to come home. A reminder of who all would've cried if i had taken that one extra step. A reminder of all those who have been there with me since i was a child and they continue to do so...selflessly. A reminder of how i need to keep myself alive in order to keep those i love happy.

A reminder...that i am mortal. A reminder...that not everything is ticked on my "things to do before i die list". A reminder...that i am still a virgin! :-)

So people...take care of yourself. Don't throw it all away...this is one lesson you don't wanna learn the hard way. Be safe.

Eyes

Black is the color of the moonless sky
Darker are her beautiful eyes
Deeper and deeper she drags me down
I don’t know if I ever wanna get out
I may be lost, but I don’t think I wanna be found

Let me wander here for a while
Its peaceful than the world outside
Some hidden treasures, dancing fireflies
No sign of deceit and deception
Eyes so pure, devoid of lies

But hidden behind the darkness
Her tears twinkle bright
Seeming like little stars in the sky
I wonder what could be the reason she cries
The memories in which she dies

Just lead me deeper, where it hurts the most
I can heal your scars, make you smile
Take my shoulder if you feel weak
Hold my hand and I will walk by your side
Just to see a sparkle in those eyes
Those dark and beautiful eyes…

A million miles

There's a road, a sky and a lake...straw huts on the outskirts
Mountains and hills...with little children playing in the dirt
The world moves by and the world moves on
Souls arrive, only to depart and carry on
There's a blind man who sings and hums
A mother who waits for his soldier to return
A father earning life for his family
A baby suckling milk happily
There's a eunuch dancing in the aisles
Trading money for blessings, under fearful eyes

But here I sit, out into the darkness i gaze
Beyond the rail tracks...beyond the fields of maize
Your face...it dances behind these eyes...
More enigmatic than the moonless sky
A riddle...entangled thoughts...capturing my mind
The answers in your eyes...hidden behind
I have memories...a smile to my lips they bring
Bits and pieces, wound into an endless string
A laugh...a smile...a whisper...a kiss
The touch of a soft hand...the taste of your lips

I travel the land...from sunrise...to where the sun sets
From the land of maize...to the land where we met
I would brace the sun and the rain, just to be at your side
But for a moment...a second...a cold winter night
I have no diamonds, no rubies, no stones
I have no kingdom, no land, no home
I give you my warmth, my breath...all that I can
I give unto you all that I am

I would travel a million miles...spanning under a million skies
...to be at your side...

Don't Forget

Don’t forget me please

I know I will never be able to forget you

No matter how far away death takes me

I will always be right next to you

Don’t forget the summer nights

Sitting on the roof watching fireflies

Sea breeze playing with our hair

Stars glistening in the moonless sky

Don’t forget the first time we made love

Candle light and satin sheets

The first time I felt perfect

With you in my arms, I felt complete

Don’t forget the fights

The times when we both were right

I lied just to see you cry

Just to see the flame ignite in your beautiful eyes

Don’t forget me please

I know I am not coming back

I love you more now that I’m losing you

But there’s nothing that I can do

I wish I could keep this heart beating a bit longer

Pause time to be with you forever

Don’t forget me please

I know I will never be able to forget you

No matter how far life takes you away

Death will bring me back to you

Back to you…

A winter flame

Into the amber glow of the fire I stare
Searching for shapes...maybe a face...
Breathe in the flame, let it engage
I sit for the night till the sky burns red
Oh fire, why do you burn?

In my peace

This emptiness surrounding me...enveloping the air like the fog outside my window. "Oh child...break free" my heart screams...as it sits chained to the tree."Oh child...release" my brain comforts...as it holds on to hope in the ever dying light. My skin soaks cold in the mist, as shapes form and dissolve in the gray...the cold...wet gray. Its not death, its not loneliness...its an odd form of peace. The one that knocks on your soul and wants to talk...the peace who stares into your eyes...waiting for you to blink first. It yanks out your desires and drags them through the streets...questioning your judgment at every turn. It questions...interrogates your mind...your morals...your sanity. Like the every swinging pendulum, my mind shifts...so ever restless...fading into fantasies...only to fade out again.

Give me fire...and i shall give you light.

Draw with words

A find it intriguing when people boast about their reading skills...how fast they can devour a novel...or how they can pick up the various aspects of literature in the book. Reading isn't about picking out the grammar in the words...no..not at all. I ain't that fast a reader...i take my time...savor it...each word...each line. I backtrack...re-read...close my eyes and feel the lines before moving on. Reading isn't about the speed...its about the imagination. As a reader...how well can you take the book in your hands and change it into a movie playing in your head. Reading is about how you paint the sky the way the writer describes it....the shades...the clouds...the leaves on the trees...the wind...the rain. You start from a blank canvas and paint as you read. Reading is about how you create the character...from head to toe as the writer exposes each little feature. You paint it...enlarge the eyes...color the hair...add a scar...add a birthmark...and give it a name. Make a person from words...and then you make him move. The lines in the book become strings...maneuvering the person as you read on. You give him memories...give him morals...faith..hope...pain.

You give him a voice..and then you make him talk. The words in quotes flow through the lips...curling on the "v"...the tongue touching the teeth on the "l". The character is your baby...and you watch it grow...learn...react. You become capable of predicting what the next move might be. How interesting a book is does not depend only on the writer, but also on the reader. A writer does not need "big fancy" words to express his thoughts...all a writer needs are the "right" words! All the reader needs is an open mind....a blank canvas when he starts to read the first line of the book.

How good a reader you are does not depend on how vast your vocabulary is...but on how vast your imagination is. Its not about how many pages you can read...its about how good you can transform yourself from a reader...to a viewer.

Reading isn't about finishing a book in your hands. Its about watching a movie behind your eyes.

What came first...Love or Sex?

I thought i had "love" planned out pretty nicely...."don't use the "L" word with anyone"! ...so far so good! "Love" and "Hate" are two words i don't use so carelessly...they have a bigger meaning than people generally assume. But I won't say i am a "love-less" person...I love my freedom...i love my parents and siblings....i would love my dog...if i had one...and that's about as far as i get before i start to hesitate and change the topic. But i will not hesitate even once in saying that i have no idea about the boundaries of love. what is love...how far would i go in love...what is wrong and right in love...blah blah blah! Love for me is very simple...straight forward...very platonic. I keep my heart under control...but that doesn't mean i ain't romantic. I'm romantic...in my own weird way". Some may call it cheesy...some may call it cute...others may call it old fashioned! I don't give much of a fuck...its my opinion...mine and mine alone!

I thought i had some things figured out...like you love your partner...and you stay true to them....which basically means....be monogamous. you know...the "perfect couple". I'm very much Gandhian in my thoughts...ever since i read so much into Gandhi and realized how much our way of life and thoughts matched! But as my friend would say..."you are an idealist".....This i thought before the concept of "swinging couples and open relationships" became more abundant in the papers....in the media...in the air...in my head. A concept very deeply read by testosterone run men who fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at time. Everyone wants to be Akshay Kumar from Garam Masala...shuffling so many women...but even better if all your women know...and they agree. Like Anil Kapoor in Gharwaali-Baharwaali. I always failed to understand how one could go ahead with such a practice of multiple partners....till a friend of mine asked me a question..."...do you love your partner any less if you sleep with someone else?"...to which i blurted "DUH!!"....a question which, however lingered in the back of my head of quite some time...

Where do the boundaries of love lie?...is sex the same as love...or is sex just a subset of love....or is love a subset of sex?....the questions from the mind of a 21 year old virgin. Don't worry...I'm not the desperate kind just itching to throw it away....patience is what i have...in abundance. I have no idea whatsoever about the "love and sex" dilemma... though i wonder if its my lack of sex or my lack of love that hinders my thinking. I sometimes feel that I'm putting my opinion forward without having any experience...but then again...isn't that what having an "opinion" is all about! I don't know about swinging couples...but as far as having multiple sex partners goes once you are committed or in a relationship...is just downright wrong! For me cheating...is like lying...and I....HATE...LAIRS! Someone who lies just for sense gratification...to have sex...to "enjoy life" is a weak and pathetic soul. If the momentary "Crave" for the acquaintance in front of your eyes is stronger than your "Love" for the one whom you decided to give an important place in your life.... then you are one sad soul! If you are a person of conscience....then how do you overcome this dilemma...have the cake and eat it too?

1. Don't make anyone the love of your life. Enjoy unhindered sex with whoever you want...without the slightest sense of guilt. ...at the cost of knowing what Love is! Shakespeare would want to assassinate you (i have a feeling I'm gonna be argued on for this reference to Shakespeare!)...OR...
2. Live...Life...with Love. After all...you will be having sex...so no loss here....unless you believe that having lots of sex with lots of people is fun!...which most people do...

So...what to do?....what to do??

I don't expect a simple answer....i doubt there even is one. I guess this topic is all about opinions...beliefs...and the individual. Right now...my opinion is pretty straight forward...."don't cheat...don't sleep around (not like that's happening a lot!)".....but i guess this is one of those things where your thinking changes with experience. You know...like the way you thought about alcohol...until you had your first shot of vodka...and you said to yourself..."hey..this isn't all that bad! I'm not drunk..I'm not addicted! why do people make such a big fuss"....and then u have a couple of more shots...and then you are passed out after puking on the guy/gal you were trying to impress....but then tats a different story altogether. Or maybe its like your first drag of cigarettes or weed.....unless you ended up a chain smoker....or in jail for possession! .....again...an exceptional case!

What i guess I'm trying to say is....some things change...some opinions dissolve and decay...get replaced by new ones as you move down the road of life. The way you think...your judgment of "wrong and right" evolves. As we gather knowledge, we become wiser...some become dumber...but lets not get into details. Hopefully as i grow, i will able to see the difference between Love and Sex. Hopefully i will be able to draw the line in the right place...between an insatiable physical desire and the aphrodisiac of the masses. Love and Sex may become a lot simpler once i fall in love...or get married....or lose my virginity.......not necessarily in the same order! Hopefully some questions will be answered at different stages of life....but i wonder if i want them to be answered! Will i be willing to leave my comfort zone? Will i be able to comprehend and accept what i discover?...Will my curiosity get my cat killed? Now you see why i don't like using the "L" word....but atleast...i don't plan to say "i love you" when all i am thinking is "i wanna have sex with you"! For me atleast...Love and Sex are NOT INTERCHANGEABLE!

As my heart burns slowly...it calls out to thee...
Oh love scorned...what good are the thorns if the rose burns?
Red or Black...it still turns to ash...

Stranger at the door...

You have set me free, unhinged this mind
My vision has cleared...fear gone blind
In these clear skies, i wish to dance in the rain
I wish to run...feel the wind...and leave everything behind

Who is this drug...that puts my pain to sleep?
Are you marijuana, ganja, acid or hashish?
Who is this death...that frees my soul?
...reminds me of life. I breathe...i breathe a little more...

Oh stranger...do tell me your name...
...who are you...from which realm have you come?

Wait!.....listen...as my heart speaks out to you...
It whispers its thoughts...it whispers in beats...
It asks...."Oh stranger...could you ...could you be Love?"

A day of love

It was night when i met you...
Dawn when i loved you...
...by burning noon we were enraged...
and you left me at dusk...with the setting sun...

Just a Coincidence?

You may think i am paranoid...you may think i am overreacting...making thoughts where none exist...but...i am just wondering! Not concluding! Not questioning! Just...wondering!

Your probably wondering what i am blabbering on about...then scroll below and read what i wrote one 16th November, 2008..."Awaiting the storm"... read it closely...and think for a second. I mentioned "its midnight again...eight more to go before it begins". i wrote this on the 16th...a few days later...they came from the sea...and landed on the shores of Mumbai where the battle raged! I know this sounds stupid...i am not claiming to be able to see the future or anything...but im creeped out here ok! Because this isnt the first time this has happened to me...

Start of the year...1st jan 2008, i had a dream. In my dream, Death came to me...or in more accurate terms...the messenger of death..."Yamraaj". this sounds really stupid...it did to me aswell at that moment. He told me its my Grandma's time. I asked him when...he replied..."2008"....i asked him "how will she go?"....to which he replied "when the time comes...you shall see"...after which i saw my family members clearing out my grandma's room. I woke up laughing at this dream! Because my grandma was one of the healthiest person in the family. At 99, she was fit..independent...and lively.

She fell sick a week later...and passed away a month later.

You still think i am nuts....then read on...

February, 2007, i was at my aunts place. My uncle had been sick for quite some time..he had a heart attack a few years back...liver failure...lung infections...and god knows wat. Doctors had given him a month at max.....he outlived the time limit by a couple of years. But tat weekend...i was at my aunts place, helping my aunt and my sister in law take care of my uncle who's condition had deteriorated all of a sudden. He was bed-ridden...and in a miserable state. I would spend the nights in his room...sleeping by the side of his bed...half asleep...half awake...my ears always attentive to my uncle's voice, in case he wanted something the middle of the night. He was in a bad condition...coughing...breathing hard...weak! One night...as i sat by his side and wrote in my journal...i wrote words which i can never forget. I wrote..."He breathes like his chest is rusted...the weakest i have ever seen him. He seems to be fighting a war....and losing. Like this is his last night...."

He passed away the next morning!

It doesn't stop here. I sleep walked and started talking about bombs and wars...before 9/11 happened! As a kid...I had a reoccurring dream in which my grandma was holding a baby. She was running...climbing coiled stairs...with a Lion chasing her. When she reached the top...she dropped the baby into my hands. I dreamed that over and over again...until one day we got a call that my aunt had given birth to a little baby girl. I didnt even know she was having a baby! And i think her sun sign is Leo aswell!

I know that this sounds stupid...absurd....crazy....a COINCIDENCE! but what can i do! i am no psychic who sees the future...neither am i a tarot reader who makes money outta telling ppl their future! All i am saying is.....THIS IS WAY TOO CREEPY FOR MY LIKING! And im pretty damn sure im not the only one out there to whom this happens to!

Sometimes i wonder if i can see death approaching. An instinct... a sixth sense?.....naaaah! Its all bullshit! But hey....this doesnt mean that i am gonna stop writing....or stop dreaming!