It is hard to overlook the difference between what could have been and what it actually is. It's even harder to ignore what will be for it differs from what you want it to be. As I sat there in the darkness of this moving train, I felt a little knot in my stomach... like I was falling... free falling. Even I knew why it was there, I still tried to drown it out with the sound of the train shifting tracks. It reminded me of thunder. The air rushing through the gap in the window was cold and bitter. It brought with it the coldness of the outside world hidden in the darkness of the night. I watched as people around me slept peacefully and dreamed of a world unlike mine... the feeling of being awake while they were all sleep... its was empowering. I took refuge in my little corner and focused on the feeling in my stomach... and smiled.

I knew that the one who gave it to me... had one too.

Thoughts

A time comes in every mans life when fate decides to put his being to the test. Of all there is that we may call moral or immoral... truth or untruth... right and wrong... Nothing remains undivided.

Man is not a creature of reason, but an animal of desire. He is fueled by a flame burning not his own, but the being of the ones around him as well. A resolve blurred by instinct shall never suffice in attaining peace... for it is not to be attained, but to be felt.

Man will drift forever through the sands of lust, driven by the mirage of love. Only the one who understands what love truly means will see past the illusion... if love itself is not the illusion. The rest will continue on... reaching out... but never reaching.

After all the rituals of life have extinguished their fires, man shall then stand facing himself. When fate comes asking, the essence of man shall be reduced to his strength to hold on to the ones he desires and to release the ones he loves.

Infatuation

If only my hands were strong enough to hold you down... that even death wouldn't be able to snatch you away.

Hold you so tightly till your breath escapes your chest... leaving you limp in my arms.

What is this that does not let me release you, but causes me to kill you?

..........Infatuation?

Storm Struck

I love storms... its a strange fascination that i have for them. They remind me of a rebellion... a strong voice intruding your mind... asking you... no...no.... Daring you to come out. The lightening moving sporadically across the black canvas... tearing it apart as if to signify the tearing down of barriers. The thunder... oh the thunder.... it resonates with the heartbeat. It gets stronger.... louder.... turns into a roar as it nears. Like a rebellion outside your door... coming closer... closer... till it seems to be just behind that door ... ready to knock it down and drag you out to join the rebellion.

The first step is the most difficult one. Stepping out into the rain... the pouring... pelting... bullets of water... smashing against your skin. It hurts... but its sweet. As it drenches you... you seem to feel as if its making you a part of itself. Then the fear floats away... drowned in the water.

If there ever was a storm within my mind
I would sit in the darkness of the night
Let the thunder of my being
Become part of the peaceful sky

If there ever were tears in my eyes
I would sit beneath a sullen sky
Let the raindrops fall and float away
Taking the storm with them

I love storms... they bring tranquility.

The Blues and the Hues

Leave it blue I told him...leave it blue. It looks better this way...just plain blue. No whites to draw the attention away...no shapes forming in the sky...no dragons... or lions or birds. Just...pure.... blue. He said "Would you like a little black?"....i looked at him with a puzzled face and replied "why would i want to turn my perfect happy sky into a shade of black? Its not crying ...its not sad...so why make it glum?"

He was a stubborn man... and he wouldn't listen. I wonder why he asked me in the first place... if he wasn't going to do what i said. So he took a brush and added black to my blue.... bright blues with sober hues. With the gray came the white. Lightening crawling across my perfect sky...ripping it apart...cracking it... tearing away with the sound of thunder... drowning the sound of my heart breaking. It was perfect... my sky... my perfect blue sky...why did he have to go and ruin it?

There i sat feeling the blues....and then rain fell from above. One drop at a time... one solitary drop amongst the thousands... yet standing out. With every flash of lightening the falling drops glittered like diamonds. There were diamonds falling from the sky...the gray sky. They washed away the little sorrow i had... and called me into the storm. Its a strange feeling... to walk out into the storm without caring to get wet... to dance in the rain like no one is watching... to sing like no one is listening... to make a poem... the most beautiful one that you will ever make... but knowing that it will be forgotten as the storm passes.

I looked into the sky as the rain slowed down...but the lightening continued. In between the break in the cloud i saw the stars.. little white dots in the sky... the Big Dipper next to Orion's belt. Stars in a storm of falling diamonds. Every time the lightening would die out i would see the stars... and they would disappear with every flash... only to reappear in the darkness. The lightening brought the ground to life... green lush fields... the trees... the red walls... the while houses.... appearing and disappearing with the lightening. Stars... no stars... green earth... blackness... white lightening...red walls....so many colors. All because of a little black.

When the storm passed away... i crept slowly into my bed... warm... dry and content. Never thought that so many colors would come from little black on a little blue. Never did i imagine a storm could be so beautiful. That's the thing about storms... they leave behind either complete chaos... or clean away all the dirt. The rain can either drench you to the bone... or wash away the tears. All this while he stood there silently... with a smile on his face... a smile of satisfaction... like he knew what he was doing when he added the black to the blue... mixed blues with the hues.

The sad part about rain is that we dream about it.... write about it... sing about it... paint about it... but don't spend enough time dancing in it.

Summer Skies

I thought and i thought about things i had never thought about
Out came griffins and dragons and little fairies
A little color was missing, so i cried and i cried
What use is this painting if its just black and white
After the tears had dried, a poem came to life
It danced and sang, just like a dandelion at dawn
I plucked it out and called it my own
Only to have it wither away, leaving me alone
Even the fireflies drifted away, leaving behind the darkness
There is no color in the night, even with the moon
The same sky twinkling now, burns in the summer noon
A little color was all i wanted, not the sun
Only if i could take back, what i had returned

Kingdom of Silent Trees

Like willow trees we stand tall while the wind blows all around. Let some leaves dance... let the moss grow quietly. Its quiet here within the fog as the dew drops fall from the twigs. The dawn breaks the dark blanket that seemed to cover the earth, lit by fireflies twinkling all around. The sound of crickets echos beneath the canopy reminding us that the world is awake... its only us who are asleep.

When morning comes...
It brings along a curse...
Man will come and cut us down...
We shall not resist...
We shall not revolt...
For we understand the Truth...
Through the wind...
We shall return...
...Silently...

Kaleidoscope

This.... is not.... a figure of speech...
What... was once born... shall never be free...
In the flame that dances... the air burns...
Just like diamonds... burning into nothing...
Embers float into the night sky...
Leaving the ash...to grow old...
I waited a long... long... time...
But the dust... did not turn to gold...
And when i tried to walk away...
The sand would not let me be...
It followed me home... became my family...

If i could write a song...
It would be a hundred miles long...
But would you listen... and not walk away...
Remain where you belong?
The colors dance and change shape...
We become... what we want to make...
So see through me... as i look through you...
Disappear in the blink of an eye... and i will too...
Turn it over... inside out...
And we can start over... with what we lacked...
They're just stones ... and nothing more...
We can always comeback... comeback...

One

Reverend....Reverend why do you pray?
Can your God not hear your heart beat...
Or is your God so far away?
Why does He/She need all this money...
Gold and silver, diamonds and rubies?

On your knees with folded hands
Is that what He/She intended when he created your feet
So that you may bend and never stand
And how could i forget the blood
Not your own...No...never your own
But of the innocent unknowns

Reverend...Reverend why do you pray?
Are you lost confused or just dazed?
Maybe one day you will see
That you are no different than me
There is no "your god" or "mine"
There is just Love...Of that which is divine

Differences will cease to exist...
When the deeds have all been seen and done...
Then you will see with the heart and not the eyes...
...that there was only One...
...Only One...

Hang us until we breathe no more
Slit our wrists till we bleed no more
Oh crush this flesh and bury it six feet below
But the truth shall still remain...

Look into our eyes and lie your heart out
Twist and turn the laws as you wish
Oh turn us down and turn away
But the truth shall still remain...

Gag our mouths and suffocate us
Choke us now or drown us
Oh silence these voices till none remain
But the truth shall still remain...

Never before and never again
Will you find ones like us again
You will die and wither away
But the truth shall still remain...

We are not Martyrs...
We are not Poets...
We are not Soldiers...
We are Lovers...
We shall not burn out...
We shall not burn away...
Our Love is our Truth...
And the truth shall forever remain.

Evolution

Moving from one second to the next
Forever forgetting the smile that we held
Have we become so cold and bitter
Never stopping to lend a hand

Where once were peace and love
Now reside hatred and war
Where once grew lemon trees
Now lays a stone throne ruled by hypocrites

All the noise and all the sound
Drowning out the songs and laughs
Lost within a forest of bricks
Under a blue sky still young

Blue sky...blue sky...
Forever watching...
Gray clouds...
Forever crying...

Random stuff at a random time

Turmoil...turmoil...within the storm...
In the rain that pours, I still find your tears...
Never before were you so fragile...
And never again will you be so dear...
As my grandfather's clock ticks alone tonight...
The darkness becomes hard to bear...
But think again of days to come...
And the future begins to be more near...
Don't be so hasty, don't jump ahead...
For emotions are not what they appear...
Wipe the mask away forever...
And then Love will be so clear.

Raven Blues

Oh raven of the summer sky, why do you wear a shiny black coat?
To mark the death of a forgotten soul or to wander through the night alone?
While the swallows sing and the little ones chirp
You live in anger against this wicked world
For once just let them know how you feel
Sing along with the songbird if the songs are too deep
For I long to know what is it that you lack
A wanderer or a messenger, all dressed in black.

Oh... So that was love!

Is love to be felt or to be lived?

I have spent time in the darkness of my room...and in the darkness of the night sky pondering about things that i have no answers to... not that i need an answer to everything. Things that i have no explanation to. Things that i have no experience of. Sometimes i think of death... sometimes i think of life... at other times i wonder why we fight... and then i stop to think why we love?

What is love? I hate the dictionary explanation involving chemicals and brains... its not a beautiful enough explanation to a question that is so vague. A friend once said to me "I really wanna fall in love...but i don't think I'm even close. Love is so idealistic.".... to which i smiled and said "i don't think anyone in the history of mankind ever knew when they were 'close' to falling in love."

I think infatuation is idealistic. I think compromise i realistic... both of which people often mistake for love. I think love is the balance. These are not answers... these are just my opinions. Sometimes i think love is the state of overwhelming pleasure... and sometimes i think love is the state where you don't feel anything at all. The feeling of complete emptiness.... or the feeling of complete fullness. Does love encompass everything or is it devoid of everything? Is love the color that stands out...or the color that blends in?

Questions that only bring more questions... along with some rhetorical answers which appear to be attempts at avoidance rather than answers.

As i sit in the brightness of my room i ask the air around me....
Is love to be written about or left as thoughts in the mind?
Is love to be dissected and explained or to be left as the question that gives purpose?
Is love to be felt or to be lived?

... i am still waiting to find out... hopefully i won't look back one day and say "oh...so that was love."

Tonight i fear only one fear...
The fear of being forgotten...
Lost within the pages like a dead rose petal...
Fading into the wind without a trace of the essence...

Tonight i think of leaving behind footsteps in stone...
But the rain reminds me...
Even stones erode...

I will be forgotten....so will you...
Just like the one we don't remember now...
No picture...no story...
No statues...no glory...
Forgotten....Forever...

Second Thoughts of Fear

What would you do if the person you hold dearest to you slowly faded away right in your arms? Would you panic... scream... beg God? What part of you does Fear drag out to the surface and interrogate so ruthlessly? I think fear is a good thing... it keeps a man honest. It teaches one more about themselves than the sugar coated love ever could. Its very coarse and rough, this fear... stripped of all pseudo promises... no false alarms... no second opinions. That feeling of numbness... the shaking of the legs... the sweat on your skin... the racing heartbeat... the flashing of thoughts in your head... that's fear...Unadulterated Fear.

I have had my encounters with fear... most of which i have forgotten. I think its the brains way of keeping itself happy... but i remember one night. It seemed to be a simple... quiet night... until my mum screamed my name out at 1 in the morning. I ran from my room to my parents... and on the floor... lay my dad... unconscious. I picked him up and carried him to the bed... my mind searching for answers. The next thing i remember...i was running around on the street at 1 in the morning looking for an auto... and i found one...somehow. We put dad inside and told the auto to take us to the hospital as fast as possible. Now that i look back, i realize that we did not go to the hospital near by... but one that was quite far. Fear can stop you from thinking sometimes.

I held my dads' hand in my own...constantly rubbing it to keep it warm... get the blood flowing. I realized that he has high blood pressure... and maybe he missed his medicine... maybe that was it. As we neared the hospital i felt that everything would be alright in a few moments...and then it happened. His hands went cold. His heart beat slowed down. His breaths became long gasps as he seemed to struggle to breathe. And then his head fell limp. I remember that feeling... when his hand went cold...I was holding it. Its unlike any other feeling... not like touching ice. Feeling the heat drain away from a human hand is terrifying... its eerie.

I had never witnessed death before... and I feared that i was about to. My hands went weak as a chill engulfed my whole body. I panicked! I started yelling at the auto to hurry up... just get us to the hospital no matter how. I DIDN'T CARE! I just wanted my dad. Frantically rubbing his hand...i tried rubbing his chest... aiming for his heart. That damn heart... it better not stop. In my moment of fear... i closed my eyes and begged God to let him live. I have never wanted anything so much as i wanted him that night. I couldn't imagine a future without him... not now... not yet. But i did one more thing which i never understood. I threw away the chain of beads around my neck in that moving auto... and i remember telling myself... "they are only beads! Just beads...and nothing more!"

Not even until this day have i ever felt so weak as i did in that moment. I don't know how long that moment was but it felt like an eternity... before we finally pulled into the hospital. I screamed for help as soon as the auto stopped... and stood back and watched as the staff came out and carried my dad on a stretcher. Within moments, the doctors had surrounded him... asking me questions about his health and his habits. And then I remember him opening his eyes while being rolled away on the stretcher... he seemed alive. He smiled at me and said "its ok...im ok now...."...and that was it. With those words blood seemed to have rushed into my arms again.

I don't know which is greater... loss... or the fear of it. When you lose something, its gone. Sometimes so fast that you don't realize it... sometimes so slow that you don't even notice it disappearing. But fear is something different. Its an emotion. Sometimes it comes and goes... sometimes it lingers in the air... like a fragrance... like a noose. Sometimes it surrounds your very body... chilling it to the bone. Sometimes it just strikes straight at the heart. But that's the thing about fear... when it dissipates... it takes away all traces of its existence.

I stepped outside to breathe... felt the cold breeze on my head... i didn't realize i had sweat so much. On that summer night... while standing beneath the stars... I closed my eyes and whispered the quietest 'Thank you'.

First Thoughts of Fear

They say love is the aphrodisiac of the masses...it can make you do things which you would never do. But i believe there is another emotion...a more deeper...more instinctive feeling that can throw one into more turmoil than love.....its Fear. The fear of loss...the fear of pain...the fear of loneliness...the fear of everything and anything. Fear is a feature of every creature....from a single celled animal...to the complex human...all understand the language of fear. Its rooted in the very core of every living being...like a reflex. Even a man who knows not how to love...knows how to fear.

I remember my greatest moments of fear....it was the fear of loss. I was 17...a teenage kid in his last year of school in Sri Lanka. Dengue was on the rampage in Colombo, with hospitals overflowing with patients. My mum had been going through phases of fever...showing signs of the dreaded disease...until one day when I came back from school late in the evening. I happened to look at her arm and notice red patches...scattered all over arm. Within 30 minutes, she was in a hospital bed with doctors surrounding her... observing... needling... testing... discussing... quarreling. They gave me the assurance that this was a simple case of dengue and she would be alright in a couple of days with the treatment they were giving her. I was satisfied.

5 days had passed and my mum was not improving. Everyday after school, i would go to the hospital and spend the evening by her side...go home in the night and take care of dad. I was confused...a little lost. Why was she not getting better? And then it happened. On the 6th day when i went to visit her in the ICU...she coughed...and spat blood! My brain ran from one corner of my life to another. Blood.... spit... tuberculosis... incurable... death..... Fear! Pitch ...Black... Fear!

In the faintest voice that i had ever heard she whispered "Son, forgive me if i have ever done you wrong!'. Oh...those are not the words a 17 year old should hear from his parent. I went weak...on the edge of crying. I charged out of the ICU and DEMANDED an explanation from the doctors as to why my mother was not getting better. A emotional child can be an amusing creature...it cannot comprehend life yet it wants its secrets...and it wants them then and there! She apparently had Dengue Haemorrhoid fever...the deadliest dengue form in which the insides of a person start to dissolve and bleed. Dad tried to reassure me that spitting blood is common...nothing new...reassurance which i felt he was giving to me as his last option.

The thing with dengue is...that its a viral disease. There isn't a cure for it...but instead just a recovery phase. One cannot detect the dengue virus in the blood but instead we detect the antibodies that the body produces against the virus. My mum was showing every physical signs of dengue...except the antibodies. All reports were Negative...the doctors were perplexed...I was scared. In that fear...i did the only thing that my brain churned up.

I came home that night...and lit a candle in the temple...and promised God that i would fast the next day...just make my mum better! I "promised"....i didn't beg or make a deal...but i offered something which was mine...my hunger. No money...no material offerings... nothing which i couldn't call my own. What else is a 17 year old supposed to do against an enemy which he has no understanding of. Faith...its a strange thing. It rises from the core of man when least expected. Fear and Faith have this amusing relationship...almost dancing the Waltz...sometimes close together...sometimes distance. Sometimes faith dwindles in the face of fear...at others fear fuels faith itself. As for me...i just lit a candle and sacrificed what i could.

On the 7th day...when i went to the hospital...there was a crowd around my mum. Doctors and nurses were gathered around the bed....i couldn't understand the looks on their faces. As i made my way to the bed...i saw my mum...she was unconscious. Fear struck again...and i was about to implode...but a hand on my shoulder took it all away. A doctor's calm voice said "She's just asleep. We detected the dengue antibodies in her blood today morning...and we've started with the treatment. Its nothing short of a miracle...but she's gonna be fine." But i knew what they all didn't. It wasn't JUST a miracle....it was MY miracle. Oh i still remember that moment...i felt as light as a feather....and hugged that doctor as though he had given me something that had already been taken away. I smiled for the first time in a week.

That day, i came home and broke my fast at midnight. I had understood the true meaning of fear....faith...and sacrifice. Its nothing like the filmy version where the person rings the bells and smashes his head on the temple gates... and blah blah blah. This is why i believe Fear is stronger than love, for it encompasses faith... sacrifice... love.... strength.... futility... madness...everything. Fear can be a catalyst....creating...or dismantling man himself. It reaches deep with its cold clutches and pulls out everything so mercilessly.

That's the thing about fear...its a punisher....its a teacher....its a reminder. Most of all....its unbiased.

Rise

Sometimes I feel as if my whole life has been one futile attempt to wake up early...only interrupted by brief moments of sheer madness scattered through my history when I managed to rise from this coffin of slumber to greet the morning sun.

Ah the morning sun...its beautiful...its peaceful...its wise. Unlike the afternoon sun which is treacherous... relentless... and shows no mercy.

Its a strange thing...this summer dawn...its makes you believe that the day is going to be perfect.

Eh Khuda...
Mujhe zara yeh to bata,
Manzil pe rakhun nazar,
Ya dekhun yeh rah.
Dil se dhoondo tujhe
Ya puchoon rooh se raasta
Badaata rahun yeh kadam
Mujhe khudayi ka vasta

Taaron ki roshni mein
Dhoonde tujhe yeh kadam,
Kahan chup gaya hai tu
Eh Khuda...
Mujhe zara yeh to bata.

A fairytale kiss

For the mortal it began with a single touch...
While the rain came down from the heavens above...
He never believed that a kiss would bring...
The missing piece that he forever searched...

As the clouds began to dance away...
He held her face within his hands...
To the sound of thunder and the pouring rain...
Lips would touch and time would stand...

On that night beneath the stars...
She became beautiful and forever was...
He would never forget that kiss...
For he became complete like he never was...

A kiss to pierce the heart of stone...
A kiss to remember the moments gone...
A kiss for a future that is yet a dream...
A kiss for a dream that one day could be...
A kiss of angels pure and white...
A kiss that burns the soul to life...
A kiss he would forever miss...
A fairytale love...A fairytale kiss..