Come on down and see the show
The monkey's in the cage and the ass on the floor
Its a circus my friend, can't you tell
Look around and see
Doesn't it all ring a bell
Take a dime or two and throw it in
Your money is all that matters here
Not how you got it or your sins
Take a seat and watch the flames rise
Watch them dance
Man and beast alike
When the show has ended tonight
Pick up your belongings and walk away
The beasts will return to their cage and fall asleep
The thrills that you stole are yours to keep
Leave the animals to be, leave it behind
And like the animal you are
Walk out into the circus called Life
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
CHange of address
Life has a new apartment. The address is..
http://thestupidthingsinlife.wordpress.com/
...it doesn't mean you stop visiting here!
http://thestupidthingsinlife.wordpress.com/
...it doesn't mean you stop visiting here!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Different
The basic desire to be different... to not fade into the crowd amongst the blacks and whites. When I look around... I see stereotypical roles... decisions by rule... one step in front of the other, each leading to a predefined action... each one behaving just like the rest. Like dead willow trees in autumn.
The very core of my being screams "Ignore it... deny it... break it. Be different even if you are proven to be wrong so that you may not look back at these years and regret not taking a chance. So that your feeble old legs don't regret running... your dry tongue doesn't regret kissing... your cold hands do not regret touching. Don't be afraid of pain or love... they are like the seasons...they will come and go and leave nothing but scars and memories. Your freedom does not come from chains... but from bonds and thoughts. Why be what the world 'wants' you to be when you could be what you 'want' yourself to be."
Its time and its eternal silence that ask me the same question again and again... "why... why be different? Why not just do what they all do... after all...you are one of them."
To be remembered and not forgotten
I will not be lost in the crowd
Not like a dead rose within the pages
It's not what I chose for myself
In this city of stone and dirt
The only thing that's real is my blood
And maybe you will someday see
Nothing was real...
Except You and Me.
The very core of my being screams "Ignore it... deny it... break it. Be different even if you are proven to be wrong so that you may not look back at these years and regret not taking a chance. So that your feeble old legs don't regret running... your dry tongue doesn't regret kissing... your cold hands do not regret touching. Don't be afraid of pain or love... they are like the seasons...they will come and go and leave nothing but scars and memories. Your freedom does not come from chains... but from bonds and thoughts. Why be what the world 'wants' you to be when you could be what you 'want' yourself to be."
Its time and its eternal silence that ask me the same question again and again... "why... why be different? Why not just do what they all do... after all...you are one of them."
To be remembered and not forgotten
I will not be lost in the crowd
Not like a dead rose within the pages
It's not what I chose for myself
In this city of stone and dirt
The only thing that's real is my blood
And maybe you will someday see
Nothing was real...
Except You and Me.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Poet's love
Beleaguered fools shall forever curse the rains, while the mystic poet sits beneath the Banyan tree and writes about the dark clouds above. No flute will ever play the tune to which his heart dances... and no songbird will ever be able to sing the song to which his soul moves. Its not the rains washing every inch of his flesh that cleanse him... its his breath that takes away all that hinders his being.
Oh poet of the moonless autumn night
Write to me words of love and wisdom
For once lost in woods so dark
I cannot see my home or the path
This falling rain reminds me of you
Sitting beneath a tree of gold
Playing the flute to the dancing wind
Watching the world slowly grow old
If night be the blanket beneath which I may sleep
Then remember me for the words I yearn to speak
A word for you and your beautiful soul
A word for the thundering of your heart
Oh mystic poet, be forever free
Like the stars in the night sky
Forever free...
Oh poet of the moonless autumn night
Write to me words of love and wisdom
For once lost in woods so dark
I cannot see my home or the path
This falling rain reminds me of you
Sitting beneath a tree of gold
Playing the flute to the dancing wind
Watching the world slowly grow old
If night be the blanket beneath which I may sleep
Then remember me for the words I yearn to speak
A word for you and your beautiful soul
A word for the thundering of your heart
Oh mystic poet, be forever free
Like the stars in the night sky
Forever free...
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sometimes I float amongst clouds
Sometimes I fall with the rain
On autumn nights, the wind takes me along
On winter dawns, I descend with the fog
It's not the world around me
But the place within my head
Changing with the seasons
I'm changing till the end
And now that the silence
Has come to me again
I carry on... I carry on..
Again...
Sometimes I fall with the rain
On autumn nights, the wind takes me along
On winter dawns, I descend with the fog
It's not the world around me
But the place within my head
Changing with the seasons
I'm changing till the end
And now that the silence
Has come to me again
I carry on... I carry on..
Again...
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Memories
Blue skies forever shall remain blue
But the monsoon rains color my world gray
Oh how different it felt to be alive
Alive within the winter fog again
Time has passed since we felt the clouds
But the taste lingers on my tongue till today
Soft steps on the cold morning dew
Will never be the same again
Like children who grew up too fast
The laughter slowly faded away
And now that night has come to me
Let us say goodbye...
Now that the clouds have passed me by
Let us say goodbye...
But the monsoon rains color my world gray
Oh how different it felt to be alive
Alive within the winter fog again
Time has passed since we felt the clouds
But the taste lingers on my tongue till today
Soft steps on the cold morning dew
Will never be the same again
Like children who grew up too fast
The laughter slowly faded away
And now that night has come to me
Let us say goodbye...
Now that the clouds have passed me by
Let us say goodbye...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Thoughts without Titles
I would say to the world
"Let us be..."
For she has chosen me
With all that she sees in me
If ever there was a woman
Who knew how to love
It would be her
Past the fool and into the soul
Her love reached where no one goes
When my time is complete
When every word in me
Speaks of her and her love for me
I will turn to her
And love her for an eternity
If only the world would just
Let us be.
"Let us be..."
For she has chosen me
With all that she sees in me
If ever there was a woman
Who knew how to love
It would be her
Past the fool and into the soul
Her love reached where no one goes
When my time is complete
When every word in me
Speaks of her and her love for me
I will turn to her
And love her for an eternity
If only the world would just
Let us be.
Still as Trees
Oh my dear one, its not the end of the world
The water still flows, the sky is still above
The moon hangs low in the summer sky
With wolves singing, gathered around
We stand above and beyond
Watching as the world floats on by
Feeling the wind and the rain on these leafy fingertips
We know what it means to be alive
Still for eternity, but still alive
The water still flows, the sky is still above
The moon hangs low in the summer sky
With wolves singing, gathered around
We stand above and beyond
Watching as the world floats on by
Feeling the wind and the rain on these leafy fingertips
We know what it means to be alive
Still for eternity, but still alive
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Hurt
A song about realization...reflection... and preservation. A very honest song in all its meaning.
"Hurt" is a song written by Trent Reznor, first released on Nine Inch Nails' 1994 album The Downward Spiral. In 2002, "Hurt" was covered by Johnny Cash to critical acclaim. He covered it soon after his wife died... it was one of Cash's final hit releases before his own death. Its accompanying video, featuring images from Cash's life and directed by Mark Romanek, was named the best video of the year by the Grammy Awards and Country Music Awards.
"Hurt" covered by Johnny Cash
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
"Hurt" is a song written by Trent Reznor, first released on Nine Inch Nails' 1994 album The Downward Spiral. In 2002, "Hurt" was covered by Johnny Cash to critical acclaim. He covered it soon after his wife died... it was one of Cash's final hit releases before his own death. Its accompanying video, featuring images from Cash's life and directed by Mark Romanek, was named the best video of the year by the Grammy Awards and Country Music Awards.
"Hurt" covered by Johnny Cash
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Thursday, December 31, 2009
The seeds will travel, and so will the tree
Of what to think of myriad times
But to sit and watch the years go by
We will speak in bliss of moments gone
Like stolen gems from a trickling pond
But what to say to an oak tree so old
Like time itself he is known
To lie beneath starts tonight
And let the world float on by
Lets be at peace in the winter night
For the world is cruel, but spare tonight
Its death at once and birth again
Of time and years and sullen days
For who knows where these path lead
For the ones who walk with barren feet
But we stand still beneath the virgin sky
And watch the years float on by
You and Me, we are like trees
Standing alone...silent and still
These roots hold us down and won't let us be
But it is in our souls to be free
In the hearts they are born
And in our patience they grow
My child, let them go... let them be...
The seeds will travel... and so will the tree.
But to sit and watch the years go by
We will speak in bliss of moments gone
Like stolen gems from a trickling pond
But what to say to an oak tree so old
Like time itself he is known
To lie beneath starts tonight
And let the world float on by
Lets be at peace in the winter night
For the world is cruel, but spare tonight
Its death at once and birth again
Of time and years and sullen days
For who knows where these path lead
For the ones who walk with barren feet
But we stand still beneath the virgin sky
And watch the years float on by
You and Me, we are like trees
Standing alone...silent and still
These roots hold us down and won't let us be
But it is in our souls to be free
In the hearts they are born
And in our patience they grow
My child, let them go... let them be...
The seeds will travel... and so will the tree.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
In my dreams
Fairies of a midsummer sky, don't hide amongst the stars
Come down for a little while...
Its time to fall asleep
Through the summer days I have walked
Only to find myself wandering through the winter fog
This yearning does not let me be as I search for the ones I love
Place me on the dew wet ground and sprinkle some fairy dust
I just want to fall asleep
Under a withering moon... let me sleep
Let the words float in my dreams
The promises they all broke... the ones I still keep
Sing to me of a land far away... one without hate or greed
And watch me drift away... into never ending sleep
As the night grows darker... I yearn to be...
Yearn to be... amongst my dreams...
The only place where I may find...
...My Everlasting Peace.
Come down for a little while...
Its time to fall asleep
Through the summer days I have walked
Only to find myself wandering through the winter fog
This yearning does not let me be as I search for the ones I love
Place me on the dew wet ground and sprinkle some fairy dust
I just want to fall asleep
Under a withering moon... let me sleep
Let the words float in my dreams
The promises they all broke... the ones I still keep
Sing to me of a land far away... one without hate or greed
And watch me drift away... into never ending sleep
As the night grows darker... I yearn to be...
Yearn to be... amongst my dreams...
The only place where I may find...
...My Everlasting Peace.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Songbirds
We're songbirds baby, trapped inside a cage
Singing out to the lonely moon
Mother gave me wings, and I gave up the sky for you
Sit beside me and watch the seasons go
This is just the winter baby
We've got many more to go
The spring breeze blows through my sullen dreams
But in the mist I sing to you,
A song which only you and I know
Though the cold wind freezes my thoughts
I fight it away, I fight it all for you
We're just songbirds baby
That's all we can do
Through the seasons, like the sun we grow
And the stars will call out to us baby
That's when we shall know
Fly away and leave this cage behind
We've got our whole deaths to go
We're songbirds singing the same song baby
And the song is in our souls
... the song is in our souls
Singing out to the lonely moon
Mother gave me wings, and I gave up the sky for you
Sit beside me and watch the seasons go
This is just the winter baby
We've got many more to go
The spring breeze blows through my sullen dreams
But in the mist I sing to you,
A song which only you and I know
Though the cold wind freezes my thoughts
I fight it away, I fight it all for you
We're just songbirds baby
That's all we can do
Through the seasons, like the sun we grow
And the stars will call out to us baby
That's when we shall know
Fly away and leave this cage behind
We've got our whole deaths to go
We're songbirds singing the same song baby
And the song is in our souls
... the song is in our souls
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Birds
Once in a while, even birds turn to stone
To leave the summer sun, flying back home
Where raindrops come tumbling down
And the skies turn to gray
That's where you find, the birds lost along the way
Broken wings and broken promises, can never be sold
We're birds of prey baby, slowly turning to gold
Rivers flow through, but always return to the sea
Like humming birds floating above
Riding on the back of an autumn breeze
The nest seems so far away, oh where have they come
A pair of fragile doves, searching for their home
Watch them shimmer, in the southern glow
We're birds of prey baby, slowly turning to gold
Clouds are ...and will always be
Even when you and I are gone, the sky will still be
On the wings of hope the world floats
That's the way it's always been
Remember the soul that is you and me
It will fly, even when we are long gone
We're birds of prey baby, slowly turning to stone.
To leave the summer sun, flying back home
Where raindrops come tumbling down
And the skies turn to gray
That's where you find, the birds lost along the way
Broken wings and broken promises, can never be sold
We're birds of prey baby, slowly turning to gold
Rivers flow through, but always return to the sea
Like humming birds floating above
Riding on the back of an autumn breeze
The nest seems so far away, oh where have they come
A pair of fragile doves, searching for their home
Watch them shimmer, in the southern glow
We're birds of prey baby, slowly turning to gold
Clouds are ...and will always be
Even when you and I are gone, the sky will still be
On the wings of hope the world floats
That's the way it's always been
Remember the soul that is you and me
It will fly, even when we are long gone
We're birds of prey baby, slowly turning to stone.
Human
"The question is not 'who' i am.... the question is 'what' am i?
You have searched far and wide... in vain.
I am what you wanted... I am what you yearned.
I am the desire... I am the goal.
I am the strength... I am the courage.
I am the resolve... I am the result.
I'm the task... I am the doer.
I'm the force... I am the observer.
I'm the woman... I am the child.
I'm the man... I am the boy.
I'm the right and the wrong.
I'm the moral and the immoral.
I'm the pessimist and the optimist.
I'm the imaginable and the unimaginable.
I reside within the heart and the brain.
I comprise the soul and the mind.
I flow in the stream and the blood
I burn in the wood and the sun
I am love. I am hate.
I am charity. I am greed.
I am denial. I am need.
I am unrest. I am peace.
I am your words. I am the language you speak.
I am your breath. I am the air you breathe.
I am your eyes. I am the light you see.
I am your skin. I am the touch you feel.
I am in the temple you build.
I am in the Quran you read... in the Bible you preach.
I am the desert... I am the mirage....
I am the summer heat and the winter snow...
I am in the Autumn wind and the spring flow...
Find me in the leaf... find me in the stone...
Find me in the time to come... see me in the moments gone...
Search for me on the outside and you shall find...
Search for me on the inside and you shall find...
I am the beast and its rage...
I am a songbird and its cage...
I am you and your mind...
I am man and his kind...
Do you not see... what I see...
I am You... You are Me."
You have searched far and wide... in vain.
I am what you wanted... I am what you yearned.
I am the desire... I am the goal.
I am the strength... I am the courage.
I am the resolve... I am the result.
I'm the task... I am the doer.
I'm the force... I am the observer.
I'm the woman... I am the child.
I'm the man... I am the boy.
I'm the right and the wrong.
I'm the moral and the immoral.
I'm the pessimist and the optimist.
I'm the imaginable and the unimaginable.
I reside within the heart and the brain.
I comprise the soul and the mind.
I flow in the stream and the blood
I burn in the wood and the sun
I am love. I am hate.
I am charity. I am greed.
I am denial. I am need.
I am unrest. I am peace.
I am your words. I am the language you speak.
I am your breath. I am the air you breathe.
I am your eyes. I am the light you see.
I am your skin. I am the touch you feel.
I am in the temple you build.
I am in the Quran you read... in the Bible you preach.
I am the desert... I am the mirage....
I am the summer heat and the winter snow...
I am in the Autumn wind and the spring flow...
Find me in the leaf... find me in the stone...
Find me in the time to come... see me in the moments gone...
Search for me on the outside and you shall find...
Search for me on the inside and you shall find...
I am the beast and its rage...
I am a songbird and its cage...
I am you and your mind...
I am man and his kind...
Do you not see... what I see...
I am You... You are Me."
Monday, November 2, 2009
I remember the night... when we danced close to one another. And I asked you to stand on my feet... while you kissed me. You were mine then... completely mine. Not touching the Earth... not part of the Sky. Mine... and Mine alone.
The DJ didn't know he it... he was playing just what both of us wanted... Or maybe he did.
The DJ didn't know he it... he was playing just what both of us wanted... Or maybe he did.
You
You are a puzzle... that's what you are. Only knowing yourself where each piece fits. Giving clues... but never giving in.
You are a single drop of rain... that's what you are. Only knowing from where you have come. Giving life... but never giving in.
You are a single ray of light... that's what you are. Only knowing when you left the sun. Giving warmth... but never giving in.
You are unique... that's what you are.
I wish I was too.
Led Zeppelin's 'Ten Years Gone' in the air around me...
... and you are my reprise... that's what you are.
You are a single drop of rain... that's what you are. Only knowing from where you have come. Giving life... but never giving in.
You are a single ray of light... that's what you are. Only knowing when you left the sun. Giving warmth... but never giving in.
You are unique... that's what you are.
I wish I was too.
Led Zeppelin's 'Ten Years Gone' in the air around me...
... and you are my reprise... that's what you are.
Lonely Sun
Tears of the sun...
Floating through space...
To have little children around him play...
But no one to touch...
No one to love...
To give and give and never ask...
To burn for them and never say a word...
The brightest star in the sky...
Sitting in the darkness alone...
The warmth of the world...
And none for himself...
Floating through space...
To have little children around him play...
But no one to touch...
No one to love...
To give and give and never ask...
To burn for them and never say a word...
The brightest star in the sky...
Sitting in the darkness alone...
The warmth of the world...
And none for himself...
In death
Hold on old man... hold on to the strands of time...
For your son is still far away...
Across the lands... across the seas...
His heart still beats...
Wait for him... for he his heart pulls him here...
Hold on old man... your son is on his way.
Hold on old man... the time has not come yet.
Maybe your heart can beat a bit more...
Maybe your eyes can blink a bit more...
Fragile legs still yearn to walk...
The dry and cracked lips still yearn to talk...
Hold on old man... your son is here...
Listen to his voice... feel his breath...
Touch his skin... and smile for him...
Covered in dirt... weak in his eyes...
He came for you... traveling across a thousand miles...
Etch his face in your dying soul...
He is what you leave behind...
When you feel that all has been done...
The wheels no longer need to be turned...
Then let it go...
Let the breath float away... rising through your chest...
Let go of the pain... let go of the hurt...
Don't hold back old man... the time has finally come.
For your son is still far away...
Across the lands... across the seas...
His heart still beats...
Wait for him... for he his heart pulls him here...
Hold on old man... your son is on his way.
Hold on old man... the time has not come yet.
Maybe your heart can beat a bit more...
Maybe your eyes can blink a bit more...
Fragile legs still yearn to walk...
The dry and cracked lips still yearn to talk...
Hold on old man... your son is here...
Listen to his voice... feel his breath...
Touch his skin... and smile for him...
Covered in dirt... weak in his eyes...
He came for you... traveling across a thousand miles...
Etch his face in your dying soul...
He is what you leave behind...
When you feel that all has been done...
The wheels no longer need to be turned...
Then let it go...
Let the breath float away... rising through your chest...
Let go of the pain... let go of the hurt...
Don't hold back old man... the time has finally come.
He was always fond of tea.
My grandparents meant a lot to me... both my grandfather and his elder sister... my grandaunt. My grandfather was a quiet gentle man. Crippled by an accident in the prime of his life... he appeared to be a man of sorrow... accepting silence and peace due to fate rather than choice. The best memories i have of him were when i used to run up to him as a child and stand on his feet... and he would walk around with me like that. My small gentle feet on his comforting large feet. He taught me the meaning of protecting someone... of little moments stolen... to be enjoyed in the company of the ones you love. Sneaking out of the house to eat jalebi ... he was fond of sweets... and tea. The sound of him singing in the morning,
But time spares no one. It killed me to see him crawling across the cold floor in winter... his legs stuck curled... unable to stretch. His bony frame being dragged by his still strong arms... pulling the load of his useless legs. I helped him to get on the bed again... he was a heavy man. Heavy in the bone... heavy in the heart... heavy in the soul. I used to hear him cry in the night over things which were never there. My grandma... his soul mate... at his side for most of his life. But even she could only handle a man so much... he was a baby in his 80's.
One loses his senses with age. I wonder if its the degradation of the brain... or the wear and tear of time on the mind. Delirious... that's what he would become every now and then. Walking to the edge of the roof every now and then... talking about death and suicide... only to return to his bed... saying how its too dark now and he would do it tomorrow. At times he wouldn't listen to anyone... anyone except my uncle and me... his son and his grandson. Through his madness, he would focus on me every now and then and ask me how my studies were going... how old was I... and that someday i would grow up to be a fine man.
I went home after getting a call from my mum that grandpa had fallen sick and was admitted in the hospital. Its a strange feeling... knowing about the approaching death. I was at his side during his last days... spending nights in the hospital... reading through books i never thought i would read. Every now and then the nurse would allow me to go in the ICU and have a look. He had become so fragile... curled up in the bed... covered with white sheets... probes and needles and sensors covering the length of his frame. His mind... comatose. I would see him... and with the coldness of death itself, wish that he would just die.
One night, the nurse came looking for me. I couldn't hear her over the sound of my ipod pumping rock into my ears. I ran into the ICU... fearing the worse... only to see grandpa sitting up in his bed... pulling away at the sensors... not being able to understand where he was. The nurse trying desperately to control his movements, but failing to hold down those huge arms. I didn't realize till then how strong he still was. As i put my mouth to his ears and said "daddyji, hospital me ho. Woh davayi lagayi hai... usko na nikalo"... he seemed to awaken from a trance. I imagined how his blurred mind would have focused on something familiar... and held on to it. He calmed down and looked at me...smiled and whispered "chai...chai". The nurse had tried feeding him milk but he would swallow a drop... he was always fond of tea.
I think if ever i could have repaid him for my childhood... for the happy moments... it was that moment. Sitting there... spoon feeding tea to a grown man on his death bed... I felt so calm. Not his four sons... not his two daughters... not his siblings... not his wife... but me... me with him. My heart sullen... yet happy that i got a chance to do this. I put his head back down slowly and kissed him on his cheek. He was a strong man... now i understood where my strength came from. As i walked out of the hall, i called my mum to tell her and the rest of the family, that he had improved. But here is what i have learned... before death... man sits up... as if taking the world in for the last time... savouring it... asking for the things he loves the most... and when he has had enough... he goes to eternal sleep.
I returned to college the next day, only to hear that afternoon itself. Grandpa had passed away. I was the last one who had seen him alive... talked to him... fed him... comforted him. He returned to his comatose after i had left him. Somewhere deep inside i felt at peace... somewhere i felt sad... somewhere i indifferent... somewhere i felt cold. Every now and then i sit alone with the rising sun and hum his words...
"uth jaag musafir bhor bhayee... ab rain kahan jo sovat hai... jo sovat hai so khovat hai... jo jaagat hai so paavat hai." (wake up traveler, its morning. Where is the time to sleep now. He who sleeps... loses. He who awakens... gains.)
But time spares no one. It killed me to see him crawling across the cold floor in winter... his legs stuck curled... unable to stretch. His bony frame being dragged by his still strong arms... pulling the load of his useless legs. I helped him to get on the bed again... he was a heavy man. Heavy in the bone... heavy in the heart... heavy in the soul. I used to hear him cry in the night over things which were never there. My grandma... his soul mate... at his side for most of his life. But even she could only handle a man so much... he was a baby in his 80's.
One loses his senses with age. I wonder if its the degradation of the brain... or the wear and tear of time on the mind. Delirious... that's what he would become every now and then. Walking to the edge of the roof every now and then... talking about death and suicide... only to return to his bed... saying how its too dark now and he would do it tomorrow. At times he wouldn't listen to anyone... anyone except my uncle and me... his son and his grandson. Through his madness, he would focus on me every now and then and ask me how my studies were going... how old was I... and that someday i would grow up to be a fine man.
I went home after getting a call from my mum that grandpa had fallen sick and was admitted in the hospital. Its a strange feeling... knowing about the approaching death. I was at his side during his last days... spending nights in the hospital... reading through books i never thought i would read. Every now and then the nurse would allow me to go in the ICU and have a look. He had become so fragile... curled up in the bed... covered with white sheets... probes and needles and sensors covering the length of his frame. His mind... comatose. I would see him... and with the coldness of death itself, wish that he would just die.
One night, the nurse came looking for me. I couldn't hear her over the sound of my ipod pumping rock into my ears. I ran into the ICU... fearing the worse... only to see grandpa sitting up in his bed... pulling away at the sensors... not being able to understand where he was. The nurse trying desperately to control his movements, but failing to hold down those huge arms. I didn't realize till then how strong he still was. As i put my mouth to his ears and said "daddyji, hospital me ho. Woh davayi lagayi hai... usko na nikalo"... he seemed to awaken from a trance. I imagined how his blurred mind would have focused on something familiar... and held on to it. He calmed down and looked at me...smiled and whispered "chai...chai". The nurse had tried feeding him milk but he would swallow a drop... he was always fond of tea.
I think if ever i could have repaid him for my childhood... for the happy moments... it was that moment. Sitting there... spoon feeding tea to a grown man on his death bed... I felt so calm. Not his four sons... not his two daughters... not his siblings... not his wife... but me... me with him. My heart sullen... yet happy that i got a chance to do this. I put his head back down slowly and kissed him on his cheek. He was a strong man... now i understood where my strength came from. As i walked out of the hall, i called my mum to tell her and the rest of the family, that he had improved. But here is what i have learned... before death... man sits up... as if taking the world in for the last time... savouring it... asking for the things he loves the most... and when he has had enough... he goes to eternal sleep.
I returned to college the next day, only to hear that afternoon itself. Grandpa had passed away. I was the last one who had seen him alive... talked to him... fed him... comforted him. He returned to his comatose after i had left him. Somewhere deep inside i felt at peace... somewhere i felt sad... somewhere i indifferent... somewhere i felt cold. Every now and then i sit alone with the rising sun and hum his words...
"uth jaag musafir bhor bhayee... ab rain kahan jo sovat hai... jo sovat hai so khovat hai... jo jaagat hai so paavat hai." (wake up traveler, its morning. Where is the time to sleep now. He who sleeps... loses. He who awakens... gains.)
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