First Thoughts of Fear

They say love is the aphrodisiac of the masses...it can make you do things which you would never do. But i believe there is another emotion...a more deeper...more instinctive feeling that can throw one into more turmoil than love.....its Fear. The fear of loss...the fear of pain...the fear of loneliness...the fear of everything and anything. Fear is a feature of every creature....from a single celled animal...to the complex human...all understand the language of fear. Its rooted in the very core of every living being...like a reflex. Even a man who knows not how to love...knows how to fear.

I remember my greatest moments of fear....it was the fear of loss. I was 17...a teenage kid in his last year of school in Sri Lanka. Dengue was on the rampage in Colombo, with hospitals overflowing with patients. My mum had been going through phases of fever...showing signs of the dreaded disease...until one day when I came back from school late in the evening. I happened to look at her arm and notice red patches...scattered all over arm. Within 30 minutes, she was in a hospital bed with doctors surrounding her... observing... needling... testing... discussing... quarreling. They gave me the assurance that this was a simple case of dengue and she would be alright in a couple of days with the treatment they were giving her. I was satisfied.

5 days had passed and my mum was not improving. Everyday after school, i would go to the hospital and spend the evening by her side...go home in the night and take care of dad. I was confused...a little lost. Why was she not getting better? And then it happened. On the 6th day when i went to visit her in the ICU...she coughed...and spat blood! My brain ran from one corner of my life to another. Blood.... spit... tuberculosis... incurable... death..... Fear! Pitch ...Black... Fear!

In the faintest voice that i had ever heard she whispered "Son, forgive me if i have ever done you wrong!'. Oh...those are not the words a 17 year old should hear from his parent. I went weak...on the edge of crying. I charged out of the ICU and DEMANDED an explanation from the doctors as to why my mother was not getting better. A emotional child can be an amusing creature...it cannot comprehend life yet it wants its secrets...and it wants them then and there! She apparently had Dengue Haemorrhoid fever...the deadliest dengue form in which the insides of a person start to dissolve and bleed. Dad tried to reassure me that spitting blood is common...nothing new...reassurance which i felt he was giving to me as his last option.

The thing with dengue is...that its a viral disease. There isn't a cure for it...but instead just a recovery phase. One cannot detect the dengue virus in the blood but instead we detect the antibodies that the body produces against the virus. My mum was showing every physical signs of dengue...except the antibodies. All reports were Negative...the doctors were perplexed...I was scared. In that fear...i did the only thing that my brain churned up.

I came home that night...and lit a candle in the temple...and promised God that i would fast the next day...just make my mum better! I "promised"....i didn't beg or make a deal...but i offered something which was mine...my hunger. No money...no material offerings... nothing which i couldn't call my own. What else is a 17 year old supposed to do against an enemy which he has no understanding of. Faith...its a strange thing. It rises from the core of man when least expected. Fear and Faith have this amusing relationship...almost dancing the Waltz...sometimes close together...sometimes distance. Sometimes faith dwindles in the face of fear...at others fear fuels faith itself. As for me...i just lit a candle and sacrificed what i could.

On the 7th day...when i went to the hospital...there was a crowd around my mum. Doctors and nurses were gathered around the bed....i couldn't understand the looks on their faces. As i made my way to the bed...i saw my mum...she was unconscious. Fear struck again...and i was about to implode...but a hand on my shoulder took it all away. A doctor's calm voice said "She's just asleep. We detected the dengue antibodies in her blood today morning...and we've started with the treatment. Its nothing short of a miracle...but she's gonna be fine." But i knew what they all didn't. It wasn't JUST a miracle....it was MY miracle. Oh i still remember that moment...i felt as light as a feather....and hugged that doctor as though he had given me something that had already been taken away. I smiled for the first time in a week.

That day, i came home and broke my fast at midnight. I had understood the true meaning of fear....faith...and sacrifice. Its nothing like the filmy version where the person rings the bells and smashes his head on the temple gates... and blah blah blah. This is why i believe Fear is stronger than love, for it encompasses faith... sacrifice... love.... strength.... futility... madness...everything. Fear can be a catalyst....creating...or dismantling man himself. It reaches deep with its cold clutches and pulls out everything so mercilessly.

That's the thing about fear...its a punisher....its a teacher....its a reminder. Most of all....its unbiased.

Rise

Sometimes I feel as if my whole life has been one futile attempt to wake up early...only interrupted by brief moments of sheer madness scattered through my history when I managed to rise from this coffin of slumber to greet the morning sun.

Ah the morning sun...its beautiful...its peaceful...its wise. Unlike the afternoon sun which is treacherous... relentless... and shows no mercy.

Its a strange thing...this summer dawn...its makes you believe that the day is going to be perfect.

Eh Khuda...
Mujhe zara yeh to bata,
Manzil pe rakhun nazar,
Ya dekhun yeh rah.
Dil se dhoondo tujhe
Ya puchoon rooh se raasta
Badaata rahun yeh kadam
Mujhe khudayi ka vasta

Taaron ki roshni mein
Dhoonde tujhe yeh kadam,
Kahan chup gaya hai tu
Eh Khuda...
Mujhe zara yeh to bata.

A fairytale kiss

For the mortal it began with a single touch...
While the rain came down from the heavens above...
He never believed that a kiss would bring...
The missing piece that he forever searched...

As the clouds began to dance away...
He held her face within his hands...
To the sound of thunder and the pouring rain...
Lips would touch and time would stand...

On that night beneath the stars...
She became beautiful and forever was...
He would never forget that kiss...
For he became complete like he never was...

A kiss to pierce the heart of stone...
A kiss to remember the moments gone...
A kiss for a future that is yet a dream...
A kiss for a dream that one day could be...
A kiss of angels pure and white...
A kiss that burns the soul to life...
A kiss he would forever miss...
A fairytale love...A fairytale kiss..

Irreligious

I say this right now...I say this without fear or remorse...I say this without the slightest thought about the implications...and I say this without caring about what people think...

I don't believe in Religion.

No...i am not an atheist. My faith in God is infallible... immovable, but religion is nothing but a man's way of separating and controlling. God is for the strong...religion is for the weak. God was...is...and will be...for God is Eternal. Religion is man made. It was made...is made...and will continue to be made by man with his limited knowledge. What...did God not exist when the first cell divided to make two? Where was religion when man learned to make fire? Some may call me blasphemous...some may call me "spiritual"... while others will say that I have no idea what I am talking about...but i really don't care.

You are divided from the moment you are born...based on gender....just like caste... skin color... race... nationality... economic status. Wars...invasions... crusades... all because of the differences. Everywhere I look I see a way in which man is categorized and separated from everyone else... until he stands single. They call it as being unique... I term it as being alone... and in his loneliness he forgets his own brother. The recent incident in Vienna, Austria disgusted me. It made my thinking even clearer.

But I am not that close minded. I respect every person's beliefs. I visit a temple...a gurudwara...a mosque...a church...they're all the same for me. I see no difference in any of them as i pray... taking only one name regardless of where i am. I don't think man will ever find peace as long as he continues to divide himself into pieces.

Protect

What does it mean to "Protect"? Is it the shell that covers the embryo chick...or the fierceness of a lioness for her cub? Maybe its the way we snatch our fingers away from the flame....or the way one takes the bullet for another. I never knew what this word meant until one summer evening...when I was only a child...maybe around 5 years old.

As I walked to the sweet shop to eat jalebi while holding my grandfather's finger...he unintentionally taught me the greatest lesson in life. On a narrow and busy two way street of a crowded Delhi road...we both walked slowly to our favorite hangout as the orange sun began to descend. I was walking on the side towards to the road and not the sidewalk...grandpa took hold of my hand and moved me towards the inside ...closer to the sidewalk... away from the road...and said "bacche andar ke taraf chalte hain"...and that was it. He looked straight ahead and continued to walk...even as I looked up at his fragile body and his graceful face...not paying attention to the traffic around me.

With those six simple words, he had implanted in me a thought...a feeling...a role....which would become a part of my identity. He unknowingly taught me how to protect. The older soul protecting the infant for it believes that the child has more life to see. The young life is more important than the old fragile body...which has lived through its years. What captured my mind at that moment was the look on his face...he was fearless. He didn't care if a vehicle came and hit him...all he cared for was that I would be protected...even if it meant putting his own life on the line.

I've come to do the same...keeping my younger siblings and sister on the inside while walking on the road. This feeling of being protective...of being a protector...a guardian...gives a man a unique strength which no other act can. This protection does not restrict...or hold...or constrain the one being protected...it actually frees them. A friend once told me when I did the same with her while walking down a road in the middle of the night...."Akash... you are very protective"...with a smile on her face. At that moment I remembered my grandpa...just like I am remembering him now.

Thank you Grandpa...I miss you.

Loving Moons

As i walked past the open doors to the balcony on the second floor, a gust of cold pleasant wind hit me. I stopped...looked out into the night sky...dumped all the thoughts from my head...and walked out under the new moon sky. As i sat on the edge with my feet dangling over the railing...a feeling of blankness came over me. Not emptiness...but one of nothingness....no desires...no regrets...no memories...no love...no hate...nothing. Its a very strange feeling which can shatter a man if he isn't strong enough to handle the solitude.

...but as I looked up at the new moon...i couldn't believe what i was seeing. Up in the sky...there were two moons....nested in each other. A smaller moon...within the crest of the bigger moon. No...this was no miracle...but only the blurred vision of my eyes (i didn't have my glasses on). Never had i imagined that my incompetent sight would ever show me something this beautiful. The moons seemed to be in an embrace, almost as if the bigger one was protecting the smaller inner one.The two peaks surrounding it like the arms of a guardian...or a lover....embracing...protecting...supporting.

I watched the small imaginary moon lean on its partner and thought to myself... "maybe that's what it means to be in love"....and then walked away...

These are not my words...though i wish they were! From Uzma Yousuf's Notes on Facebook...i just couldnt help but steal them!...she got them from somewhere aswell!

"Kal raat urr rahay thay
sitaray hawa key saath.

Aur mein udaas betha
apne Khuda key saath.

Ya tau qabooliat key tariqay
seekha mujhay.

Ya merey dil ko baandh dey
Apni Raza key saath:)

Amen."

....'Raza' means ' happiness'. i've read these words over and over and over...yet they get more sweeter each time.

Why thou take a heart...only to break it and let it be...
What did a heart...ever do to thee?

If ever there was a creature who had been betrayed and destroyed by the soft hands of love...it would be the Sun...for nothing burns like it does.

Of Music, Love and God - II

"Sanu ek pal chaen na aave..
Oh sanu ek pal chaen na aave...
Sajna tere bina...
Oh sajna tere bina..."

For the untrained ear...it may have felt as if they were walking into a Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan concert. It was not to be....for there sat seven men...surrounded by monitors and candles...wielding their instruments...dressed in their best...with an enchanting voice...reciting Qwwalis to the mesmerised crowd before them. Having grown up listening to Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan's qwwalis being echoed through my home in Pakistan...I had never listened to a live performance of qwwali before...i'm glad i didn't miss this chance.

I could manage to understand most of the lyrics that they sang... but the music and not the lyrics did most of the talking this time. The tabla...the harmonium...the dholak....and one man clapping to give rhythm while the three ustads led the vocals. The way they sang...the rise...the falls...the turns...the pauses. They sang in Urdu...in Hindi...in Punjabi. They sang of Love...of God...of Peace...as I came to understand the meaning of "Sufism". Krishna and Khuda were there in the same place...

"Ab tu hi hai, tu hi hai ke tu...
Ab tu hi hai, tu hi hai ke tu...
Ab tu hi hai, tu hi hai ke tu...
Aur rahega bhi tu."

Sitting there listening to a form of music which is solemnly heard...life seemed to become peaceful all of a sudden. My hands ached from the clapping...but the rhythm was too enchanting to get away from. They ended the two hour performance with a breathtaking recital of the famous song...

"Dama dam mast qalandar...
Ali dam dam de andar...
Dama dam mast qalandar...
Ali da pehla number..."

The Elusive Tranquillity

Beauty in its own world is impossible to capture...too big to contain...too wild to control. But every now and then it gives us a glimpse of a world beyond the sights and sounds of our daily ruckus. I have had so many of these moments which will forever remain in my mind. If only I could take the picture in my head and turn it into a photograph to be hung on the wall...the wall would be beautiful.

It was 3 am on a cold December morning when i had got off the bus on the highway in Jalandhar, hoping to find an auto that would take me to my university. I stood there for almost an hour waiting for something to come by, but nothing except travelers speeding past in their fancy cars. Just when i had considered walking the 20kms as the best idea...a tractor lorry happened to pass by. Never before had i been so happy to see a tractor before. I stuck my hand out and God bless that man for he stopped and let me hop on. For those who have never been on a tractor...there isn't much space for passengers. I sat on the metal part covering the humongous tires underneath...clutching my bag...as the tractor crawled along slowly. It went up a flyover...and then down....up another...and down...moving ever so slowly. The sound of the monstrous engine and the rattling of the lorry behind it were the only things i could hear. My legs went numb and my ass froze...as my feet constantly knocked into the side of the rotating tire. My nose started to become wet as the cold morning air found its way through my clothes and into my skin. I could barely keep my eyes open against the chilling wind. So there i was...exhausted...cold...frozen...tired....hungry....and not to mention sleepy....and then it happened....

As we passed through a part of the road where the lights weren't working...I looked up... and it captured my eye. In the distance...beyond the trees and the grasslands...beyond the houses and the buildings...the Full Moon...low in the night sky...surrounded by the stars. Beneath it...a freight train moving quietly along on the tracks...the sound of which was drowned out by the roar of the tractor engine. But for those few moments...everything went quiet. As I watched the train move along under this magnificent moon...everything became...perfect.

There was silence. Not the one where you don't hear anything...but silence of the type where you don't feel anything. The moon looked so peaceful floating in the sky...yet so alone...yet so peaceful...like a mother watching over her sleeping child. The train looked so peaceful as it moved without making a sound...yet so restrained...yet so sad...since it could never move away from its tracks. The chill was gone...so was the sleep...the exhaustion...the numbness. Watching that lonely train beneath the lonely moon took away everything that I thought was ugly...and in return...it gave me Beauty. The beauty of being lonely...the beauty of being quiet...the beauty of being alive. It was as if the strands of time had come together to form this knot where the moon...the sky...the train...the trees...the tractor...and I....were all present...prefectly. But as perfect as that union seemed...it was gone. The individual identities parted ways to go on with their lives as the roar of the engine came rushing into my ears...followed by the chill of the wind and the numbness in my legs.

For those few moments, life had painted a picture so perfect, that i could not help but be at peace. For those few moments ...I had found The Elusive Tranquility.

The Guardian - Arrival

Red lightening flashed in his vertical feline pupils as she sat atop the mountain peak...on the edge overlooking the forest beneath. This wasn't normal lightening...it emerged from the land and rose into the night sky. The heavens were under siege...what madness was this? Thunder tore through the night sky...shaking the bark of the trees as the rain beat down upon this pure land...things were changing. The night sky had never seemed so treacherous before. Storms had come and storms had gone...but this one was different...this one had a stench about it...a canine stench.

He sat there like a sphinx observing the foliage below...his eyes fazed out to a distant realm...searching for answers. The paintings on the caves had foreseen this storm...but it was worse than he had ever imagined....he was not prepared...he had to be prepared...he must be. The thunder began to get louder...as the flashes of lightening ripped apart dark clouds...the rain exploding out from them...only to reveal traces of the moon. The full...red...moon. And then there was silence....it was time.

The Guardian rose slowly...the drops of water dripping down from his whiskers. His head bow low...his body rose slowly...first his front paws...followed by his 14 ft arching spine...and then his hind legs. The mammoth 16 ft long muscular tail...like an anaconda...which could have coiled and strangled an elephant. He was a beast like no other. With shiny white fur that gleamed the purest of souls... he stood out in the night sky. The rain curling around his thick muscular body...dripping from his coat of pearl white fur...it seemed to cleanse him...as if a sword was being cleansed before a battle. With pearly white sharp daggers for teeth...he could crush a skull so easily.

His ears twitched and his head snapped up towards the sky...as a bolt of light crashed from the sky and struck the ground in the distance straight ahead of him. The ground shuddered and a gust of air circled away from the place where the light had landed. It had arrived.

His spine curled upwards...as he gathered his strength in the core of his heart. From the pits of his body came a roar so loud...so frightening...it drowned out the thunder. A warning. Suddenly, there was a flame in his eyes...his pupils flared the brightest electric blue...his body tensed...as his muscles tightened...the blue aura rising from his body...sparks bouncing from his whiskers...the hind paws digging deep into the stone...the front paws aligned...and with the swiftness of lightening... he was off. Throwing up a trail of small pebbles as his claws dug deep into the mountain stone...he leaped of the cliff....falling through the night sky.

With a thud...he landed on the soft moist ground beneath the canopy. Cats always land on their feet. A low growl...and he was tearing through the underbrush ...appearing to be a flicker of light...as light as a feather...as powerful as a beast. The tail providing balance as he took steep turns...and jumped over trees and rocks with the elegance only a cat could possess. The ground shook beneath his massive body as it landed after each stride.

He charged in the direction of the light...with his pupils a stunning blue....his fur a glistening white...as he sped towards his visitor. The time had arrived when the purpose of his being would be tested. Created to be purest of all souls...bestowed as The Guardian of this sacred land...the protector...his moment had finally come. For all must serve their purpose when their time comes...this was his.

Of Music, Love and God

Jab gaaye raat me ambar se chandni
Toh raahi chalna tum bhi pashchim ki aur
Jahan nadiya me jagmagate hain dipak
Baansuri ke sang Kazi...Ishq me doobe Tagore
Kahin sitar ki tarang mein magan hai Mira
Kahin Brindavan ki chaaon me naache hai Kanahiya
Subah ki kirano ke sang koi pade Gurbani
Na woh hindu...na muslmaan...na sikh...na issai

Tablae ki dhunn mein khoye hue khwaab
Dhoond in plakon ke peeche soye hue raaz
Yeh surr nahi hain...hain yeh rooh ke khayal
Koi pukaare ishvar...toh koi pukare khuda
Koi dhoonde mandir...koi dhoonde dargah
Saadhu ka prabhu...Sufi ka Allah

Tu toh bas musafir hai yahan...
Hoton pe uske gun gungunata hi ja
Chalta hi ja...
Gaata hi ja...

Passive

Oh mountain, why do you stand so still?
Oh mountain...why do you stand so still?

I revel..I reveal...I dwell...I deal
Turn the stones and teach them how to feel
Over a million steps they have walked
Mine is a journey...there's is a pilgrimage
Silence is not impossible to sustain
Peace is not impossible to maintain
But faith is tested again and again.
In love...In fear...In happiness...In pain

Oh mountain why do you stand so still?
While they climb...crawl...sleep and freeze.

I touch...I feel...I breathe...I heal
If ever there was a time to speak
Scream your heart...Scream your soul
Be heard in this hour of need
15,000 died in the blink of an eye
Brothers, Sons, Fathers, Men
Some heads hung in shame, some laughing
As you stood there quietly... watching

Oh mountain why do you stand so still?
While they climb...tumble...fall and bleed.

There are those who stare East with eyes widened...waiting for the Sun to rise so that they may come to life. They see the light falling on every object, animate and inanimate, as it changes in the light of the burning sun. They see the light, with their own two eyes.

Then there are those, who close their eyes and then 'feel' the sun rise beneath the eyelids. They observe the world with every sense, as their covered vision changes color from black to golden-red. Even they know that the sun is high...but they haven't even opened their eyes yet.

L.O.C.

In the darkness of the moonless sky, he moved quietly...slowly...alert. With his back arched like a little black feline, he seemed to blend into the darkness. Silent, like a predator on his hunt...he approached the fence that separated him from his goal. Through the mask he wore, his eyes scanned the length of the barbed wire fence, searching for any signs of his enemy. Slowly, he removed the clippers from his waist belt, cautious not to disturb the rings of the grenades. He reached forward, with steady hands he placed the wire between the clippers and...SNAP!

"OUCH!! What the hell was that?" came a little screech! Astonished and frightened he fell backwards and reached for his gun...the adrenaline flooding his veins...he searched left to right for his enemy. "Why did you do that? Do you have any idea how much that hurts? It's gonna take weeks for me to heal." The "me" in the words surprised him. Finding no one around...he slowly whispered "Who are you? Show yourself!" The voice replied, "You just cut me and now you're asking who I am? Are you blind?" The voice was full of mischief. His eyes widened in disbelief as he commanded, "Who are you? Come out now!!"

With the compassion of a mother and the peacefulness of a saint, the voice replied:
"Sit my child and I will tell you a tale.
Of brothers by blood, who laughed and played."

A chill went down his spine...the voice seemed to touch him somewhere...somewhere deep. Entranced by the tranquillity that had flooded his senses...he sat crossed legged on the cold, wet grass...listening patiently.

"One was strong and the other was wild
Both were young and full of life
But a child's' mind is a funny thing
You can never know the thoughts it thinks
Over some dirt began a quarrel
Soon blood was shed and so were morals
When rage had enough of its pitiful share of fun
A crack in the mirror had slowly begun
So on a map they drew a line
That side is yours...This side is mine."

He could now feel his heart melting...as the words began to sink into his mind. His breath was calm...cool...slow. The voice was pleasant...soothing old forgotten wounds...taming the animal in his mind. He asked in the mellow tone of a child, "Who...who are you?"

"I am this fence, before you now
I am the mother, the children created somehow
Like a guardian I stand for nights and days
Through rain or snow...dust or haze
Keeping apart, two brother from moral wounds
I am the L.O.C. which stands before you.
Cute me not...for only you will bleed
I am blind...but the chaos I see
Return my child to the home you've left behind
And let me stand here...till the end of time."

The voice died away, as if returning to its peaceful slumber. He sat there on the grass...his eyes closed...his head slumped...his mind in a far off place. For the first time in many years, he sat there...in peace...under a moonless sky.

Childhood Streets

Butterfly wings and paper rocks
Things that remind me of my infant past
When the world was colored blue and red
Through the streets the ice cream man had led
Chasing kites and blinking fireflies
Bleeding knees and innocent fights
A time when sand castles were homes
A garden lined with little gnomes

A chuckled laugh and a teasing smile
Takes me back through a million miles
Those streets have changed, and so have I
New faces have come as the old ones died
But I still remember the burning summer sun
When summer came and winter returned
Through the seasons the streets remained
Giving me the childhood I dream today

A child today....a child tomorrow
A child when I am drowned in sorrow
A child to be when the laughter starts
A child of today...a child of the past.

Becoming

Stay still for a while
Taste the air...its saline
Breathe in the scents
Grip it tightly...feel the sand
As it slips away slowly
Remember the moments that you were lonely
A smile is your right...take it
This life is your right...make it
Through the past you have come
Oh my child...
What have you become?

Getting sweeter by the day
Drowning out the sorrows
Living today, not for tomorrow
A faint reflection of your scars
Leaves them behind...far...so far
Walking on and on...into the sun
Oh my child...
What have you become?

You have become...Beautiful.

Grace Potter and Joe Satriani cover Cortez the Killer

The original song is by Neil Young...but Grace Potter sings its so brilliantly...with so much emotion. To top it off, the trumpet and Joe Satriani on the guitar....the song is stuck in my head.



He came dancing across the water
With his galleons and guns
Looking for the new world
And a palace in the sun.

On the shore lay Montezuma
With his coca leaves and pearls
Through the halls he often wondered
With the secrets of the world.

And his subjects
gathered 'round him
Like the leaves around a tree
In their clothes of many colors
For the angry gods to see.

And the women all were beautiful
And the men stood
straight and strong
Oh look around
So that others could go on.

And I know she's living there
And she loves me to this day
I still can't remember when
Or how I lost my way.

He came dancing across the water
Cortez, Cortez
What a killer.

Ain't No Time - Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

An enchanting voice...a lovely song...i always close my eyes and be at peace.



Well there ain't no time to let that gun be shy baby
There ain't no time to live up to the lies baby
There ain't no time to let the well run dry baby
There's far too many things to do
Before the day is through

Well there ain't no way of pushing back the clock baby
There ain't no way to make the bad man stop baby
There ain't no time to holler out until your face turns blue
Because there's far too many things to do
Before the day is through
Well there ain't no time

Purple mountain's majesty has turned all black and blue
The shots that fired up the hill
They're headed right for you baby
There ain't not time to look me in the eye
Or ask me what i'm doing
There's far too many things to do
Before the war is through
There ain't no time